Heartbeats
by Aofie
Summary: Meredith left Seattle Grace six months ago and now finds she must return. Will her friends forgive her for leaving? Meredith centric, MerDer eventually and set after 3.14 Please Review!
1. Going Home

**A/NOkay so this is my first Grey's Anatomy fanfiction… Please review it, cause I won't bother updating it if I don't get any feedback. (That's not a threat, just a fact). There isn't much else to say except that flashbacks are in italics, which is pretty obvious anyway. I hope you like it!**

'One night to be confused  
One night to speed up truth  
We had a promise made  
Four hands and then away'

Meredith looked at the suitcases sitting by the front door of her apartment. They had been packed for days, but she still hadn't actually made the move. It wasn't as if she wasn't completely certain that her decision was right, more like she wasn't sure if she was going about it the wrong way. Meredith had always had a problem with avoidance and this apparently was no different. It's all very well to say that you'll do something; actually doing it was a very different matter.

However this was not something she could procrastinate about. There was no time for procrastinating, no time for avoidance. Simply put, she had to stop being afraid of the reactions her coming home would bring, and get off her ass and leave, go home… back to Seattle Grace.

Her last day at Boston Memorial had been a week ago, six months had seemed like a much shorter time than it really was (more like six days) and she had been more than a bit broken when she arrived. As a result she didn't feel any pang of regret at leaving, having not gotten even remotely close to anyone despite everything that had happened to her. In fact the only person who really noticed she was leaving was her resident Doctor Chan. As she was walking out of the hospital that afternoon he had stopped her placing his hand on her arm.

'Doctor Grey?' He said.

'Yes?" Meredith was surprised. Even though they worked closely together over the past months she didn't feel as though they had any kind of a connection.

'I am very sorry to lose you. You would have been an amazing surgeon Grey, in whatever specialty you chose. Are you sure you want to go back to Seattle Grace? You could remain here you know.'

Meredith smiled. 'I need to go back, even with everything that has happened I need to be there.'

'With your family.' He said squeezing her arm before walking away leaving her standing in the foyer of the hospital once again terrified of what she would find when she returned. Would they even speak to her?

'With my family' She echoed faintly as she turned and exited the hospital.

Now standing in the foyer of her apartment she was left staring at her luggage. She really didn't have any more excuses, and she was wasting time procrastinating. All she really had left was a phone call.

'Dr Webber speaking'

'Dr Webber? It's Meredith.' She said somewhat shakily.

'Meredith? I was wondering if you would actually call me or if you would just show up tomorrow.'

'Well I was told that this phone call was a part of being allowed back to Seattle Grace.'

'Yes it certainly was. Are you sure about this?' Richard sounded uncertain and his uncertainty was having a bad effect on Meredith's nerves. However she wasn't about to let that show.

'Yes.' She said firmly. 'It's where I need to be. I need to fix things Dr Webber.'

'I understand that Meredith. But you need to know that you left behind a very hurt and angry group of people. I'm not sure that fixing things will be as easy as you think.'

Well that was just annoying; of course it wasn't going to be easy. She was still hurt and angry too for god's sake, of course she knew that it wouldn't be easy to fix things.

'I know it's not going to be easy Richard.' She said sharply. 'But it wasn't my entire fault you know. I'm still angry too. But I can't let that get in the way anymore. I have to fix it.'

'Okay, as long as you know. Things might seem the same here on the surface but you left a gaping hole in the place when you ran away, and it's not the same as it once was.'

'I didn't run away.' Meredith muttered.

'Oh yes you did.' Richard shot back. 'You did run away. But I am glad you decided to come back. I hate to think what would have happened if you hadn't.'

'Me either.' she whispered.

'Meredith? Have you, I mean, do you need anything? Or have you sorted that out?' he said uncomfortably.

'It's fine. I don't need anything. It's under control.' She said softly. 'Will I be back on Doctor Bailey's team?'

'Yes. I spoke to Miranda today, and she is quite keen to have you return. I'm not sure if it's because she still has many things she wants to teach you, or if it's because she wants to smack you down for running away.'

'I didn't run away.' She muttered again crossly.

'I'll see you tomorrow Doctor Grey.'

'See you tomorrow.' She said hanging up the phone.

Well that hadn't gone as badly as she thought it would. But Richard Webber wasn't really one of the people she was concerned about. No, she was really concerned about Cristina. And Derek. Especially Derek. She shuddered as she remembered the last things she said to him.

By the time she had got home from the hospital Meredith had begun to process what had happened, and the only thing she could think was that she couldn't see him, or them. Any of them. She felt betrayed, she had been betrayed for crying out loud. But this betrayal had been far worse than if he had cheated on her. She remembered Derek telling her once how looking at Addison after he caught her with Mark had made him nauseous. Well she felt worse than nauseous now. She couldn't even think about him without her stomach tying into knots and her head pounding threatening to explode. Her skin tightened and her eyes were swimming with tears.

'Meredith?' He was standing in the doorway. Of course he had followed her home. Hadn't he said he would always come home, no matter what? How she wished that wasn't the case now.

'_Meredith?' He said again, but this time it sounded as if he were far away and she squeezed her eyes shut as if that would make him disappear. _

_She stood with her back to him, having only just got home herself and it occurred to her that he must have chased her out of the hospital… she hadn't even noticed. All she could think about was of getting out, getting anywhere, getting as far away from him as possible. _

'_Meredith you have to talk to me eventually.' He sighed. Stepping closer towards her and putting his hands on her shoulders. 'It was the right thing to do, you know it was.' _

_Meredith tensed as he touched her willing him to just walk away and leave her alone with her grief, but then she realized he was right. She was going to have to talk to him. 'It wasn't the right thing.' She said harshly. 'If it was you would have included me. You should have included me.' She turned to face him. 'You can't will my anger away with false words Derek. You lost the right to talk about it. Don't you ever talk about it again.' Her voice was rising now. 'And don't you ever talk to me again. You've lost that right too. Now please leave.' She turned away. 'LEAVE!' She shouted. _

'_So that's it? You're just deciding that what we have is over? That we can't get past this? That's not fair Meredith. There are two of us in this relationship You don't just get to decide that its over.' _

_He sounded angry now, and in some strange way that made her feel better… or angrier, and that made her feel better for whatever reason. _

'_Do you really want to talk about decisions right now Derek' She spat. 'Seriously? That's what you want to talk about? Seriously? Cause I would think twice about that if I were you. How dare you talk about who gets to make decisions in our relationship? Cause the way I see it, they've all been yours. Any decision in this relationship to this point has been yours.' _

'_That's crap Meredith and you know it' he began, but she cut him off._

'_It's not crap' She screamed. 'You decided to chase me, You decided to leave me for Addison, You decided to kiss me at the prom, You decided to leave me again, then you decided to start things over. Don't think that even for a second I had much of a choice in the matter. What I wanted didn't count. Did it? Not even when… not even when it was my…' She couldn't finish; tears were threatening to spill over and she refused to let him see her cry. She refused to let herself be comforted one more time by him. _

'_Meredith. I'm sorry you're hurting.' He said gently._

'_Sorry I'm hurting or you're sorry?' She asked coldly._

'_I'm just sorry. I love you, I never wanted to hurt you. You know that.' He said giving her the look. The McDreamy look, the look that never failed to make her go weak at the knees. But this time she barely noticed it. It was as if in that one moment of time he had ceased to be McDreamy and simply become Doctor Sheppard. _

'_See the thing is Derek; you never want to hurt me. But you also never stop to think about it before you act. I'm like an afterthought to you. My feelings are an afterthought. And I'm done.' She spoke firmly her eyes cold as if all the feelings she had once had for him had been erased. 'I'm done.' _

'_What about the others? Are they done too? Or am I completely to blame for this?' He hissed._

'_Do you see any of them here? They're not stupid enough to follow me… They knew they were done, Cristina knew she was done when she helped you. That's it. Its finished.' She had stopped yelling now and a chilling finality had crept into her words. _

'_What are you going to do? We're your family. We all work together. I'm your boss for god's sake. What are you going to do'_

_She didn't answer him, just held up her hands as if to say 'no more'. He turned and walked out the door then looked back at her._

'_You can't live without your family Meredith. I know you. I'll still be here when you come to your senses.'_

_As he turned away she whispered just loudly enough for him to hear._

'_I don't have a family anymore. And you were never a part of it to begin with.' She turned away as she heard his sharp intake of breath just before the front door slammed behind him. She was never, never going back to Seattle Grace._

Well things don't always turn out as you plan, and six months later she had come to the decision that she really didn't have a choice. She had to go back She had to fix things, despite her own anger and selfishness and fear. She had to go back.

Meredith looked at the suitcases in the hall then at the list in her hand, six names. Six names in three months. Of course it wasn't going to be easy. Not for any of them, but she had to try. Tucking the list into the back pocket of her jeans, she grabbed her bags and left for the airport.

A/N - The lyrics at the top are Heartbeats by JOSÉ GONZÁLEZ 


	2. The List

A/N – Thanks very much for the reviews! Keep them coming! I know the first chapter was rather confusing, but all will be revealed eventually. After this chapter, there will be no new ones until after third episode of the ferry disaster has shown, so about two weeks. I just need to decide where to leave the show plotlines, and it may or may not be after these episodes.

'To forgive is an act of compassion. Its not done because people deserve it, its done because they need it.'

As soon as Meredith arrived at Seattle Grace the next morning she knew she had made the right decision in coming home, and all of a sudden it didn't matter what waited for her inside, and it didn't matter if none of her friends forgave her. She was home, and a great sense of calm washed over her. Well not home exactly, she hadn't had a chance to go home yet as she had left Boston so late that she had to come straight from the airport to the hospital for her first shift. She sat in her rental car for a few moments and just enjoyed the feeling.

As she got out of the car, Meredith pulled the list out of her back pocket. It wasn't as if she needed the list, she knew whose names were on it. But it helped to have it on paper as if that could help her focus on what was important. Six names- Bailey, Alex, Izzie, George, Cristina, Derek. Those were the people she needed to make things right with. In that order. In true Meredith avoidance style she had decided to leave the really difficult ones till last. Cristina and Derek. She had put them last for two reasons, firstly because she really didn't think that either would even look at her for the first couple of weeks, and secondly because she wasn't one hundred percent sure that she had forgiven them herself yet. And it's kind of hard to ask for forgiveness if you can't give it yourself.

Remembering how long Cristina had gone before talking to Burke again after their fight, Meredith strongly suspected that she should have put Cristina last, but then again the memory of her last words with Derek were still echoing in her head and she had no desire to repeat them. However on the plus side the first two names, Bailey and Alex, should be easy enough. Neither held grudges and neither had been involved with the fiasco that caused her to leave.

Sighing she put the list back in her pocket and closed the car door. What would be would be, and she might as well just stop living under a banner of avoidance and get moving with life, after all if she couldn't do it now she couldn't do it ever. As she walked into the hospital she knew that this was the only place she had ever really wanted to be. That is until the elevator doors opened. Then she could think of one hundred or so places she would rather be.

He looked the same as he always had, perfect hair, perfect amount of stubble, leaning up against the back of the elevator. In that moment Meredith felt something lift away and she realized that she had forgiven him and that she did still love him. He was Derek. He was still Derek and she would always love him. I mean seriously, who was she kidding?

She stepped into the elevator and stood to the side back pressed against the wall so she could see him perfectly. His head down, it appeared as if he hadn't even noticed her. But she knew better.

'Richard told me you were coming back.' He said head still down.

'Yeah' She said in response not really knowing if that was the right thing to say, but not wanting to say anything else.

'That's it?' he snapped, his head jerking up to look at her 'That's all I get? After six months with no contact whatsoever?'

'Well I'm not sure what else there is to say Derek. I'm sorry I didn't call you but I was angry.'

'You could have at least responded to one of my messages, so I at least knew you hadn't fallen off the face of the earth, so I at least knew you were still alive!'

His eyes were flashing a dark angry indigo, and Meredith felt a horrible chill at his words. Perhaps this wasn't the best idea.

'Richard knew where I was.' She whispered, knowing that would probably make him madder but needing to say it anyway.

'Well how kind of you to tell someone what you were doing, do you know how long it was before he told me Meredith? Two weeks. Two weeks of me worrying constantly about you, and he just kept saying that you were fine, I had to drag the truth out of him.' Derek said his voice rising.

'I didn't tell you because I couldn't look at you Derek, I couldn't look at you, let alone talk to you. Remember what that's like?'

'Oh don't bring Addison into this Meredith. I was your boyfriend. Your boyfriend. Your knight in shining whatever. You should have told me you were leaving.' He yelled.

'You weren't my boyfriend anymore Derek. We had broken up. I threw you out of my house remember?' Meredith said angrily.

'Yeah well, I'm certainly not now. Now we just work together. I'm just your boss again.' He said as the elevator doors opened.

'Because people don't deserve second chances do they Derek?' She called after him as he left. He paused for just a second as if considering her words then continued down the corridor without looking back.

'And your still my knight in shining whatever' She muttered as the doors closed in front of her.

So that probably could have gone better, she certainly hadn't planned on having another yelling match. But she still had hope. Derek had looked the same as before she had left, but there had been something different yet also familiar about him. And then it hit her. He looked the same as he had when he had chosen Addison, for all the time he spent with her he couldn't look happy, and that was how he looked now. As though he were struggling with something. Well she was sorry that she had made him unhappy, and it occurred to her now, after the fact that she hadn't even apologized for it. It certainly wasn't how she had pictured their reunion in her head, she had pictured herself saying many things and all of them had ended with him giving her the McDreamy smile and then taking her in his arms. Perhaps next time she should just not talk at all.

It was with this in mind that she sat silently in the locker room later that morning waiting for the other interns to come in. She decided firmly to remain in avoidance mode and not be the first one to speak. She could only assume that if Richard had told Derek that she was returning, he had probably also told everyone else, and besides Bailey knew, and she surely would have told her interns if only for the sake that not telling them would cause a huge amount of drama and disrupt her day. So at least her being here would not be a surprise to anyone.

One by one they trickled in and not one of them seemed to notice her, or if they did, they weren't talking. True she had situated herself at the back of the room already dressed in her scrubs, sitting quietly on the bench. But seriously, she had been gone for six months, the least they could do was notice she was there.

When Cristina entered the room, Meredith held her breath and waited for possible fireworks to explode. But she was sadly disappointed when nothing happened. Cristina didn't even look at her. She simply went about her business of getting changed and ready for the day then left the room. This was getting ridiculous.

It was Alex who finally spoke; he had entered shortly before Cristina and chatted for a few minutes with Izzie before stopping in front of Meredith.

'God Meredith, anyone would think you were invisible by the way you're sitting there.'

Before she could answer, Izzie cut in pulling on Alex's arm.

'Alex what are you doing? We agreed that we weren't going to talk to her… You were there remember?' She whispered, but loudly enough for Meredith to still be able to hear her.

'Yeah I was there but I don't remember agreeing to anything. Look we still have to work with her.' He said quietly looking back at Meredith.

'Work with her, yes. Speak and laugh and joke with her? No. How can you forgive so easily?' Izzie hissed.

'I haven't forgiven her, but I also don't really care one way or the other. Just forget about it. Don't let it bother you.' He said quietly touching her arm. 'Let it go.'

'I can't let it go.' She said quietly, glaring over at Meredith.

'I'm right here guys, you cannot possibly hope to ignore me forever.' Meredith said, to the room in general but mostly in Izzie and Alex's direction.

'Watch me.' Izzie muttered before turning her back and walking away.

'You asked for it Grey.' Alex said flatly. 'I mean really, what did you expect?'

Meredith ignored him and instead called out to Izzie, 'You still live in my house you know, you can't avoid me when we live under the same roof!'

The only answer she got was the sight of Izzie's back as she walked out through the door.

Well so what if they had decided to ignore her. They didn't have the willpower to keep it up for long. Well maybe Cristina did. Actually the more she thought about it, the more she thought that Cristina probably could ignore her forever. After all she had managed to ignore Burke for how long? And they were living together. Yes the more she thought the more she decided that Cristina definitely should have been last on the list.

The 'lets ignore Meredith' dance continued through rounds and well into the morning. Thankfully she hadn't been assigned to work with any of them and she hadn't been assigned to work with Derek either. Instead Bailey had assigned her to Addison Sheppard, for which Meredith was truly grateful. Addison being as professional as she was wouldn't be interested in anything other than the case at hand. There wouldn't be any freezing out from Addison.

Thankfully there wasn't any freezing out from Bailey either; after she had finished with them that morning she pulled Meredith aside by her elbow.

'Grey, it's going to be hard for you for the next few weeks at least. You left some very angry people behind. Just get past it, and focus on the medicine okay?' She said gently but firmly.

'Yes Dr Bailey.' Meredith said.

'I'm glad to have you back Dr Grey, things weren't the same without you.' She said turning away.

Meredith reached out and touched her arm. 'Dr Bailey? Do you forgive me for leaving?'

Bailey turned back and looked at her closely.

'There isn't anything to forgive Meredith. We all deal with grief and trauma in different ways, and you went through hell. If running away was what you needed to do to get through it then so be it. It's not my place to judge. The important thing is that you came back, and eventually the others will see that. No Meredith, there isn't anything to forgive.' Bailey squeezed her arm then set off down the corridor. 'Now get moving, Dr Montgomery is waiting.'

Meredith leaned against the wall and watched her walk away. Then she pulled out her list and crossed Bailey's name off it. One down, five to go. Not bad progress really for her first day.

**A/N – Well I am not really happy with this chapter, the writing is pretty crap I'm sorry. I know the reunion with the other interns was anti climactic but I wanted it to be, cause that's what it would have felt like to Meredith. Not to worry, the huge confrontation is coming in the next chapter. **

**The quote at the top is from 'I only have eyes for you' a season two episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. **


	3. What Cristina Did

**A/N – Well since Shonda kinda stomped on my storyline… I have decided to leave the plotline of the show just before the ferry disaster. So the conversation between Derek and Meredith in the morning about him being her 'knight in shining whatever' still took place, as did the almost drowning herself in the bathtub. However the actual near death of Meredith and the ferry disaster did not happen in this story. So I am now going to attempt to get one chapter a week done from now till I finish, so enough rambling and back to it!**

'_All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight  
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right  
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long  
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong'_

Meredith had never really hated Addison. She had tried, oh she had tried hard but there was something about Addison that was completely unhateable. Meredith personally believed that the whole liking Addison thing had happened on the very same day she discovered that Derek was married to her. She had spent the entire shift with Addison that day convinced that she was rotten to the core and then Addison had defended her relationship with Derek (her own husband) to a patient. It was then that Meredith had decided to separate Addison the doctor from Addison the woman who was married to Derek. It was this that made Meredith absolutely ecstatic to be working with her today. Addison was a professional. Addison wouldn't ask questions. Except of course the only one she really didn't want to answer.

'What brings you back to Seattle Grace?' She asked Meredith kindly.

Meredith decided that the best answer was the honest one, but with no details whatsoever.

'I belong here.' She said simply.

Addison looked up from her paperwork and peered at her from behind her glasses. 'Yes you do.' She said with conviction. 'And it's good to have you back. It feels like this place may go back to normal now. I mean who even remembers how this whole mess started?'

Meredith knew that Addison hadn't meant anything by her words, but they still had an effect on her. It reminded her how few people had known just what had happened with Derek and Cristina and her mother. But she still remembered with perfect clarity, and she knew exactly how it started.

_Meredith fought back her tears as she walked away from her mothers room, she had been so close to finally standing up to her and being able to say what she truly felt for the first time, and then it had been horribly torn away. Izzie was right, it had been a gift. Despite how much it hurt she could see now that her mother's lucidity had been a gift. And she had thrown it away. If only she had talked with her sooner perhaps she would have had more time to say what she needed to so badly, but she had avoided as usual and now she was paying the price. Deep down (very deep down) Meredith knew that she loved her mother and that her mother loved her. But it was increasingly difficult to remember that when her mothers harsh words were ringing in her head, and she knew that they were false words, and that her mother had so very much to deal with all in one day and that that would be hard for anyone, let alone a woman who had never been good at communicating with her daughter at the best of times let alone the worst. But it had hurt so much, hearing that she was a disappointment and no more than ordinary. What hurt the most was that those were Meredith's own worst fears about herself. All this just made her feel sick, mainly because she could have behaved so much better about the whole thing. All she could think was how much she missed her mother and how good it could have been if she had just been able to tell her that. Instead her last lucid moments with her daughter had consisted of her yelling about how taking care of her mother had ruined her life. _

_With all these thoughts rolling around in her head it was no wonder that when she rounded the corner and ran smack into Derek, Meredith immediately began to cry. She buried her head in his chest and sobbed till she ran out of breath. Derek held her gently for a few moments then steered her towards the door and out of the hospital. Once he had got her safely into her car, he leaned over and brushed the hair out of her eyes cupping her face with his hand._

'_What happened?' he asked._

_Meredith took a deep breath, her tears subsiding into the occasional hiccup. _

'_Do you think I'm ordinary?' She said so quietly he almost didn't hear her._

'_No.' He said, looking her straight in the eyes so she would have no other choice but to believe him. 'I don't fall in love with ordinary people.'_

'_My mother thinks I'm a disappointment.' She said flatly. 'She thinks our relationship is a disappointment, and she thinks I'm ordinary. I'm not ordinary.' _

'_I know.' He said darkly. The memory of her harsh words to him was still fresh in his mind. 'She doesn't understand Meredith. She has only been lucid for one day, she has no idea what our relationship is. You shouldn't believe what she says.'_

'_She doesn't want the surgery.' Meredith sighed. 'I want her to have the surgery. I can't be responsible for her death. I don't think I could live with that too.' _

'_Do you want the surgery for her or for you?' he asked. 'Have you considered it from her point of view? Maybe she doesn't want to deal with her disease anymore, and it would just be easier to do nothing and let nature take its course.'_

_Meredith looked up at him sharply. 'It's not nature taking its course Derek. It's us sitting on our asses and doing nothing when we can operate!'_

'_Just because we can operate doesn't mean we should.' He said firmly. 'There are two sides to everything Meredith. Have you considered how much easier your life would be, how much happier you could be if she was gone?'_

_Meredith covered her face with her hands. 'When she was in hospital last year? When we thought she might have cancer?' She said through her hands. 'I wished she did. And it made me feel horrible. It made me feel sick inside. I know my life would be easier without her, but she's my mother Derek. I can't be responsible for her death.' _

'Meredith? Doctor Grey?' Addison's voice pulled Meredith away from her thoughts.

'Were you planning on working today or should I just leave you standing in the corridor?' She asked a small frown on her face.

'I'm sorry Doctor Montgomery.' Meredith said, shaking herself slightly before following Addison into the patients' room.

The rest of the day was relatively uneventful for Meredith; she found it remarkably easy to just slip back into the routine of Seattle Grace as if she had never left. This of course was helped by the fact that she worked through her lunch break and as a result had no cause or reason to see any of her fellow interns. Whilst this came as a relief at the time it meant that when she found herself at her front steps later that night she felt an amazing amount of trepidation. She had to remind herself that it was her house she was about to enter, not Izzie's, nor Cristina's, nor George's. She took a deep breath and let herself into the house.

As she suspected Izzie had brought reinforcements with her. Sitting in the kitchen almost as if they had been waiting for her were Izzie, George, Cristina, and Alex. Alex looked frustrated as if he was fed up with the situation and just wanted to go to Joe's for a drink. Meredith couldn't blame him, she had thought about going to Joe's herself for awhile, but she and tequila didn't really mix anymore so she had decided against it.

Cristina sat with her back to the door, but even though she couldn't see her face, she could feel the coldness she was radiating towards her. It was horrible, she had seen that projected by Cristina towards other people but had never felt it herself. It wasn't fair. Cristina was her person, how dare she treat her like this. Izzie and George sat side by side, neither looking at her, instead staring straight at the wall in front of them. And something inside Meredith just snapped.

'Well I assume that at least one of you still lives here, although I do find it somewhat pathetic that you all need to be here for my grand arrival home. Especially since you all appear to have decided to ignore me. What are we in junior high?'

'Well Meredith, since you didn't tell us you were leaving and you didn't tell me whether I had to move out or not, and you didn't tell me you were coming home. I didn't know if I was still allowed to live here past today. I thought I might need help moving out.' Izzie said sharply. Alex snorted, earning him a death glare from Izzie; he shrugged his shoulders at her not bothered in the slightest.

'Oh that's crap Izzie and you know it.' Meredith snapped. 'I'm sorry that I didn't tell you I was leaving, and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you I was coming back. But I was dealing with a lot and it was just too much okay? Just get off my back.' She dropped her bags in the middle of the kitchen and stomped over to the sink. 'And stop ganging up on me, I've had enough.' She added, pouring herself a glass of water.

'Yeah well, we've had enough too okay.' Cristina said suddenly. Meredith turned from the sink to face her. Cristina was now standing in the middle of the kitchen just by Meredith's bags. 'We had just got used to you being gone, and now all of a sudden you're back again. Are we supposed to just expect that you're staying for good? I don't think so. I mean you didn't even have a good reason for leaving. People die Meredith. Your mom was sick. It's not a reason to run away for god's sake.'

'I didn't run away because she died Cristina.' Meredith said her voice rising.

'Why then? Because she said you were a disappointment? Get over it; everyone is a disappointment to their parents. It doesn't make you special. It doesn't make it okay that you left.'

'Cristina, how can you stand there and expect me to listen to this? You know damn well why I left. And you know it wasn't because she died. And it had nothing to do with what she said to me.'

'Why did you leave then?' Cristina asked. 'If it wasn't because she died, then what was it?' She said her face going slowly red with anger.

'It was because you killed her!' Meredith screamed. Her anger and hurt getting the better of her at last.

George, Izzie and Alex looked stunned, and Meredith knew for sure that they had no idea of what had really happened to her mother. Part of her had always believed that they had known and done nothing. She had been wrong.

'Is that what you said to McDreamy?' Cristina asked coldly after a moment.

'Leave him out of it Cristina. You were my person. How could you do what you did? Why didn't you talk to me first?' Meredith cried, her anger crumbling and giving way to tears that slid slowly down her face.

Cristina shook her head. 'I'm not your person anymore.' She said, walking out the front door.

'I'm going to go.' George said slowly, getting up from his chair. 'Are you going to be okay?' He asked Izzie.

'I think so.' She said softly. George nodded, squeezing her shoulder gently before leaving.

'Izzie, I'm sorry.' Meredith spoke slowly, still standing by the sink grasping the forgotten glass of water in her hand. 'It was horrible of me to leave without telling you. I shouldn't have done that.'

Izzie looked closely at Meredith. 'What you said to Cristina? What you did to me is the same thing. I may not be your person but I know you better than anyone. We lived together. We were friends. Why didn't you talk to me Meredith? Why didn't you tell me what happened instead of running away?'

Meredith looked away. She had no answer.

'That's what I thought. I guess I don't mean very much to you do I?' Izzie stood and moved towards the stairs. 'I can't forgive you for that Meredith.'

'Izzie…' Meredith said sadly. 'Izzie?' But she had already closed her bedroom door behind her and either didn't hear or didn't answer.

Alex stood as if to go after Izzie, at least that was what Meredith assumed he was going to do, but instead he crossed the room and pulled Meredith into a hug. She leant into him and let him wrap his arms around her, burying her head in his chest and letting her tears run freely. It had been months since she had last been touched, and it felt wonderful and safe and like home.

'I'm glad you came back Meredith.' He said to her softly. 'Don't worry, the others will come around. You know they will, even Cristina.'

Alex pulled away and tucked her hair behind her ears. 'I'm sorry about your mother Meredith. I haven't been able to tell you.'

'Thank you Alex.' She whispered.

It felt really good to be able to cross Alex's name of the list.

**A/N- lyrics at the beginning are 'Make this go on forever' by Snow Patrol.**


	4. Muffins and Misery

**A/N- Did anyone else have issues receiving alerts and reviews this week? Cause I sure did!! I have to admit that I a little disappointed in the number of reviews (good or bad) I received for the last chapter… I'm not going to nag people to leave reviews but if you have a few minutes to spare please do leave a review, I like to know how I'm going… For those who have reviewed, thanks very much.**

'_And when it hit me_

_I could not think_

_I decided I should hide away_

_So I did, I did what I could, I did what I did_

_Because it was easy.'_

It had been a week since Meredith had returned and whilst no one was openly ignoring her anymore, no one was speaking to her either. Except for Alex, who had been just wonderful. Meredith found herself appreciating his company more than she ever thought she could. At lunch they would sit together in the cafeteria, watching as the other interns pretended they weren't there or taking bets on who would be the first one to accidentally forget they were mad and say something to her. Alex was also being given the cold shoulder as he refused to join in on the 'freeze out Meredith' plan. Izzie had barely spoken a word to him all week.

At least everyone had managed to put their feelings aside whilst they were working. This even included Cristina, although Meredith suspected (and then Alex had confirmed) that Bailey had had strong words with them about getting over their 'childish crap' as she had called it, and reminded them that they were there to save lives and not to act like they were all still in high school. However despite this speech, Meredith had not been given a single case with Derek all week, which she strongly suspected was Bailey's doing, or Derek's, or probably both. They had even managed to successfully avoid each other which was not exactly part of Meredith's plan, but then again she had always been an avoider, and now she was a procrastinator too.

The thing was Meredith knew she didn't have much time, but she just couldn't face the thought of him rejecting her, not now. She needed to make things right with at least Izzie and George first, before she tried to tackle Derek. She needed their support. Actually she needed Cristina's support but she wasn't foolish enough to believe that things would become right between them any time soon. And so she avoided. She avoided the elevators, she avoided the on call rooms, she avoided any place she thought he might be, and apparently he was doing the same.

In fact throughout the whole week they had only seen each other twice, once on her first day back and once two days later, when she had foolishly called out for the elevator to be held without actually thinking about who might have been in it. He had glanced briefly at her and nodded, acknowledging her presence. She had nodded back even managing to say 'good morning Dr Shepherd'. He had replied with a simple 'Dr Grey', and another nod. It had been very professional, and very cold, and Meredith had felt a chill down her spine and she had to fight back the tears that were forming behind her eyes.

And now she found herself on her day off sitting alone in her room, somewhat afraid to go downstairs, because Izzie also had the day off and she didn't want another run in with her. Sighing she forced herself to get up; she walked slowly to the door and stuck her head round it. No sign of Izzie. Well she had to eat something soon, even though she didn't really get hungry anymore…

When she tiptoed into the kitchen 5 minutes later she came face to face with Izzie who had just finished baking a batch of blueberry muffins.

'Hi' Meredith mumbled. Izzie just looked at her.

'I'm sorry Izzie.' Meredith said. She had decided to take advice Derek had given her long ago when she had been fighting with George. He had said that she had to apologize over and over again until she got through. So that's what she was going to do, one by one if she had to.

'I didn't know you had today off.' Izzie said, placing the muffins on a plate. 'I'll go.'

'How long are you going to keep this up Iz?' Meredith said softly. Izzie looked at her, then down at the plate of muffins in front of her. She didn't answer, but then again she didn't walk away either which gave Meredith some hope. 'How many times do I have to say I'm sorry? I know I hurt you, I get that, but can you understand even just a little bit why I left the way I did?'

Izzie looked back at her.

Meredith sighed and turned away, heading back to her room.

'Tell me what happened with your mother Meredith.'

Meredith froze, and seriously considered bolting to her room. She really didn't want to talk about it. But Izzie had the right to ask, and had the right to know, and if talking about it meant that she might get Izzie's friendship back then she would force herself to talk about it.

'Did Cristina and Derek really kill her?'

Meredith turned around and sank down into one of the kitchen chairs. 'No they didn't. I don't think. Not directly anyway.'

'Tell me what happened.' Izzie asked in a small voice.

'I don't really know the full story, I never asked. I was too angry and hurt and upset to ask for the full story. I don't think I really wanted to know.' Meredith ran her hand through her hair. 'I should have asked. Things might have ended differently if I had asked.' Things could have ended more differently than any of them realized, but Meredith didn't want to think about that too much.

'When did you find out she had died?' Izzie asked.

'Shortly after it happened. I was in surgery at the time, and they paged me out of it. She had been scheduled for her heart surgery that morning, and I hadn't known it was cancelled.'

'Why was it cancelled?' Izzie asked, frowning.

'Derek cancelled it.' Meredith said flatly.

_Meredith ran down the hall to her mothers room, she could see Derek standing just outside the door waiting for her, a dark sorrowful look upon his face. _

'_What happened?' She cried. _

_Derek put his arms out to grab her into a hug but she pushed past him and ran into her mother's room. She was laid out upon the bed, machines were still attached to her but they were all quiet. She was dead._

'_No.' Meredith whispered. 'Damn' _

_She felt Derek come up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders, pressing his lips into her hair. 'I'm sorry Meredith.' _

'_What happened Derek?' she said turning to him. He was looking at her in this horrible pitying condescending way, much like he had after he had chosen Addison. It made her angry when he looked at her like that._

'_What happened?' She asked again. 'Was it because of the surgery?' Meredith hadn't even noticed that her mother wasn't in recovery which is where she should have been if her surgery had taken place._

'_No it wasn't in surgery Meredith. She didn't have the surgery. She had an MI.' _

'_An MI?' Meredith said confused. 'What about the surgery? Shouldn't she have been in surgery? Why didn't she have the surgery?' _

_Derek lowered his eyes, reluctant to look at her. 'The surgery was cancelled Meredith.'_

'_Why? Why was it cancelled Derek? She asked, her voice rising._

_He didn't answer her, and he could barely look at her._

'_Derek? Why was it cancelled?' She asked again._

_He looked up at her finally, and there was sorrow and guilt in his eyes. 'Perhaps you had better talk to Dr Burke Meredith. He can explain it to you.' _

'_Burke will explain it to me? What the hell did you do Derek?' Meredith yelled through the tears that had started running down her face._

_He just looked at her. _

'He just looked at you?' Izzie said in disbelief. 'Seriously? Seriously. He didn't even have the guts to tell you himself?'

'No he didn't.' Meredith said softly. 'So I went to see Burke. He was really confused at first. He didn't understand what I was asking. You see, Derek had told him that I cancelled the surgery, but of course I hadn't. Derek had decided for me that it was better if we let nature run its course, as he put it, and so told Burke that I had cancelled her surgery. Burke said he sent Cristina to check with me, and that she had come back and told him that it was what I wanted.' Meredith sighed.

'I assume that Derek and Cristina had spoken with each other and mutually decided that they knew what was best for me and my mother.' She said after a time. 'I don't really know anymore than that. 'I was so upset and confused that I just went home. I couldn't be there anymore. I couldn't take the idea of seeing either of them again. I felt so betrayed.' She paused for a moment.

'That night we got into a huge fight. And I left the next day.'

Izzie sat still at the kitchen table taking in what Meredith was saying, and then quite suddenly she pushed the plate of muffins towards her and said, 'I forgive you. Have a muffin.'

Meredith laughed. 'Oh Izzie, I'm glad you forgive me. I have really missed your muffins.' She said taking a huge bite out of one. 'I never thought I'd say that!'

'Me either. Glad you didn't miss me though.' Izzie said with a smile.

'Of course I missed you Iz, and I really am so sorry that I didn't tell you I was leaving. It was just too overwhelming.'

'I know. I lay on the bathroom floor for a full 24 hours after Denny died remember?'

'I remember.'

'The thing you don't understand is that when you left I felt like he had died all over again.' Izzie said. 'I know it doesn't make sense, but it's true. George has Callie now and I just can't get over the feeling that their marriage is the biggest mistake he has ever made, even bigger than sleeping with you.'

'Thanks a lot.' Meredith huffed.

'You know what I mean. George doesn't have the time for me anymore now he's with her. I know that Cristina was your person, but you, well you were starting to become mine.' Izzie paused. 'And then you left, and I was alone again.'

'Izzie I'm sorry. It was selfish of me.' Meredith said.

'Yes it was.' Izzie said with a small smile. 'But you know that now, so we're good.'

'Do you still think about Denny?' Meredith asked.

'All the time. I miss him so much, it hurts.' Izzie said. 'Do you miss your mom?'

'I missed her before she died; I missed her when the Alzheimer's got really bad. When she didn't remember who I was, that's when it was the worst.'

'What was the last thing you said to her?'

'Before she died?' Meredith asked feeling slightly sick at the memory of it.

'Yeah, wasn't she lucid?'

'She was lucid the day before she died.' Meredith said. 'It was pretty much the worst day we had ever had with each other.'

'What happened?'

'I tried to tell her about Derek, and she said I had lost focus, that I was ordinary. That I was a disappointment.' Meredith said sadly.

'Wow, I thought I had mother issues…' Izzie said trailing off.

'Yeah well later that day she was told about needing the surgery, only she said she didn't want to have it.' Meredith paused. 'So they called me down to talk to her you know, cause it was my freaking responsibility not hers.'

'And she told you she didn't want it?'

'Yeah… I told her I didn't care that she didn't want it. I told her that she was the reason I was ordinary, that it was her fault I had lost focus. And then she asked if that was the case then why did she have to have the surgery.'

'And?' Izzie prompted.

'And I told her that killing my mother was not going to be another thing that happened to me.' Meredith said, the words echoing in her head as if it had happened yesterday.

'God that's harsh. No wonder you flipped out when she died. That's the last thing you ever said to her?'

'I did not flip out!' Meredith said.

Izzie just raised her eyebrows at her.

'Okay maybe I did a little… and yeah, it's the last thing I said to her when she was lucid, but that night I went back to her room and the Chief was there, and he tried to tell me that she had gone but I didn't listen. I told her that I wanted her to have the surgery because I had hope that they would find a cure, and that then we could have more time together and she would see that I wasn't ordinary. Those were the last words I said to her.'

Meredith paused. 'It turns out that I was saying that to the wrong person. Maybe if I had said that to Derek he wouldn't have done what he did.'

'Maybe...' Izzie said. 'It sounds like he was trying to protect you.'

'I know, but it was so irritating. I know he trying to protect me and I know that my mother didn't want the surgery, but it was my decision not his.' Meredith said.

'I know. He was so worried that you were suicidal after you tried to drown yourself in the bathtub'-

'I did not try to drown myself in the bathtub.' Meredith interrupted. 'Do you think I would be stupid enough to try that when he was around to be the hero and pull me out? If I had really wanted to do it I would have done it when he was at work.'

'I know that Meredith, but he didn't. When you didn't come back to work he panicked. No one knew where you were for two weeks, until the Chief told us you had transferred to Boston. I think Derek thought you had died. He was beside himself, then when he found out you had transferred, well it was bad. He was so angry; I have never seen him that angry. He has been angry ever since.'

'I thought he would have guessed that I had gone back to Boston. I didn't think he would panic. But I guess part of me wanted to hurt him… like he had hurt me.' Meredith said sadly.

'Do you forgive him?' Izzie asked.

'Yes.' Meredith said instantly, and was surprised because up until this moment she hadn't been exactly sure. 'Yes I do, but I don't think he will ever forgive me.'

'He will Meredith, he loves you so much. He hasn't been himself since you left.'

'I miss him.' She said softly.

'Me too.' Izzie said. And Meredith knew they weren't talking about Derek anymore.

Later that night Meredith lay on her bed and contemplated what Izzie had said. She wondered if she was persistent (and used the elevators instead of avoiding them) Derek would eventually forgive her. But looking at Izzie's face as she thought about Denny made her wonder if it was worth it.

**A/N- The lyrics are 'Back where I was' by The Hereafter. For those who don't know an MI is a Myocardial Infarction, otherwise known as a heart attack. Please review.. pretty please. I want to know what peoples thoughts are about this chapter…**


	5. A Problem With No Answer

_'There are no guarantees in life  
Not for the present,  
Nor for the future.'_

Thimgs had improved dramatically for Meredith since her conversation with Izzie. It had been three weeks, and in that time she had gradually become a part of the hospital again. She felt more secure and happy in her environment and lunches were spent in the company of Alex and Izzie and George most of the time, even though George still wasn't speaking to her outright, he was sitting there with them and he would occasionally even laugh at one of her jokes. Meredith got the impression that Izzie had spoken with him about a few things…

It now appeared to the casual eye that Cristina was on the out. She had stopped eating in the cafeteria once Izzie and George had started sitting with Meredith, and no one had seen much of her since. Meredith felt an odd sense of guilt at that but decided not to worry about it as she had tried talking to Cristina many times and just been ignored.

Derek was also still ignoring her, past anything surgical related. They had stopped avoiding each other thankfully but he was still refering to her as 'Dr Grey' and ignoring anything she had to say in the way of 'I'm sorry' or 'can we please talk?' But despite this Meredith felt a small change in him. She could feel him looking at her, much in the same way as he had previously, when he was chasing her right when they first met, or when he was with Addison. She had even caught him at it several times, catching a glimpse of those dark blue eyes trained onto hers. He would always look away instantly, but it was enough to fill Meredith with warmth and give her hope.

One day Bailey pulled Meredith aside after her shift ended.

'You are not an idiot.' She said. 'You know that I have deliberatly been keeping you away from Sheppard..'

Merdith nodded, she wasn't an idiot and it had also been painfully obvious since she had barely had a case with him in the month or so she had been back.

'I think that its time for it to stop.' Bailey continued. 'Dr Sheppard has a hemispherectomy shedualed for tomorow. George has been working on the case today, you will work with him and Dr Sheppard tomorow, and scrub in on the surgery.'

'Thankyou Dr Bailey.' Meredith said uncertainly. Bailey put her hand on Meredith's shoulder.

'It will be fine honey' She said softly. 'Its time you worked with him.'

Meredith shook her head. 'Its not that, its just that it's a very complicated surgery, I'm not sure that…'

Bailey nodded, and a flash of understanding flew over her face. 'Meredith there will be several people in there with you. You'll do fine.'

Meredith just nodded again. She felt thrilled and uneasy at the same time. It was an odd feeling. She was thrilled because she desperatly wanted to spend some good quality time in Derek's presence (whether he was talking to her or not) and she was uneasy because it was a difficult surgery and she didn't know that she would be able to handle it.

The feeling of unease didn't go away the next morning when she woke up feeling absolutly terrible. She felt completely nauseaus and hurt all over, and considered seriously for a brief moment calling in sick. Still she forced herself out of bed knowing that if she didn't go into work, she wouldn't have an opportunity like this again any time soon. The hot shower she had did little to improve how she was feeling and she literaly dragged herself to her car.

It was mid morning when the nausea started to wear off, but pain had taken its place. Meredith was so frustrated because she was so distracted by the pain she was feeling that she had barely noticed Derek at all. It was becoming increasingly difficult to focus on what she was supposed to be doing.

'Dr Grey?' Derek's voice sounded through her head. "Are you paying attention?' He snapped. 'Someone's life will be in your hands this afternoon, I 'm sure he would appreciate it if you paid attention to your attending whilst he is explaining something to you.'

'Yes Dr Sheppard. I'm sorry.' She murmured.

Derek gave her one of his evil death glares before storming off down the corridor. George looked at her sympathetically. 'He is being such a jackass to you.' He said softly.

Meredith smiled at him. 'So you're talking to me now hey?' She said.

'Yeah well Izzie told me what happened with your mother.' George paused. 'I'm really sorry Meredith. Derek and Cristina? They shouldn't have done that.'

'No they shouldn't have.' She said sadly. 'But what's done is done. Nothing can change it.' She shrugged her shoulders. 'Besides, Derek was right just now. I wasn't paying attention.'

'Yeah well maybe if he stopped riding you it would be a little easier to pay attention.' George muttered. 'He is so cold to you.'

'Maybe I deserve it.' Meredith said.

'No one deserves that kind of treatment from their boss.' George said firmly.

By they time they reached the cafeteria for lunch, George was talking to Meredith as if she had never left. This made coping with the pain so much easier as she had forgotten just how warm and comforting George could be. He was like the brother she had never had.

'Sheppard's a jackass.' George stated as he put his tray down on the table.

'Gee that's a surprise.' Alex scoffed. 'Sheppard's always been a jackass. I've been trying to tell you guys that ever since we started. No one has ever listened.'

'He's not a jackass.' Meredith said defensively. 'He's just angry. He'll get over it.'

'I can't believe you of all people are defending him.' George said. 'He was so mean to you.'

"Mean to her?' Izzie questioned. 'What did he say?'

Meredith rolled her eyes. 'He wasn't mean to me George. He was just cold. That's all.'

'That's about as mean as he can get.' Izzie said. 'I mean he's basically the warmest fuzziest person out there. Or at least he used to be. He's been different since you left.'

Meredith sighed. 'I wish he would talk to me.'

Izzie put down the fork she was holding and stared at Meredith in surprise. 'You're still in love with him aren't you?'

'Yep.' She said. 'I always will be.' She added firmly.

'I can't believe that after what he did to you.' George said indignantly. 'You should move on Meredith, really there are a hundred other guys out there.'

'I can't move on George. He's it for me. I just need to give him some time.'

'Well don't give him too much time Meredith. The guy doesn't deserve much more I can tell you that.' Alex said.

'Hey didn't he call you a whore once?' Izzie asked. 'That was pretty mean.'

Meredith glared at Izzie. 'Yes he did, and thank you so much for bringing that up.' She said crankily. 'He's not a mean person, he just acts mean when he's upset.'

'Yeah okay Mer.' George said.

'The important thing is that you think that.' Izzie chimed in.

Meredith just shook her head with a small smile. She knew Derek far better than any of them, she knew he was hurting and angry and upset, and she wished with all her heart that she could make it better.

As the afternoon continued Meredith felt worse, her good mood from lunchtime had evaporated quickly and she was left feeling pain and nausea again. In fact she strongly suspected that the pain was actually making the nausea worse, she was desperate to take something for it but she still really wanted to scrub in on the surgery and was uneasy about doing it under the influence of pain medication.

By the time they had finished prepping Mr. Daniels for his surgery the nausea had reached its peak and as they were leaving his room Meredith knew with absolute certainty that she was going to throw up. She bolted down the corridor into the nearest bathroom and barely made it to a toilet before vomiting. She rested her head against the wall of the toilet stall and concentrated on breathing through the pain. She heard the door of the bathroom open and knew that George had come to check on her.

'Meredith?' He asked gently. 'Mer are you okay?'

'No.' She said faintly. 'I'm not.' She started to cry silently.

'What do you need?' He asked her, rubbing his hand along her back.

Meredith made a decision. She needed to dull this pain otherwise she wouldn't make it through the day. And the surgery was out anyway. She couldn't concentrate properly, and she was very very tired.

'George?' She asked. 'Can you go to my locker and bring me my bottle of Vicodin? It's on the top shelf right at the back.'

'Vicodin?' George said confused. 'Why-'

'George please hurry.' Meredith said feeling as if she was going to throw up again any second.

'I'll be right back.' He said.

It felt like a year before he came back, breathing heavily and clutching the bottle of pills. He handed them to Meredith who popped two into her mouth immediately. She sat back against the cool wall of the bathroom and waited for the drugs to kick in.

'Meredith? Why do you have Vicodin?' He asked tentatively, as if he didn't really want to know the answer. 'What's wrong with you?'

Meredith looked at him for a moment. 'I'm having a problem with cancer'. She said softly.

George looked at her in disbelief. 'What do you mean a problem? With cancer? I can't… I don't.' He shook his head. 'What stage?'

Meredith reached out and took his hand in hers. 'It's stage four George. It's terminal.'

George swallowed hard. 'How long?'

'Two to three months.'

'That's all?' He said, horrified.

'That's all.' She said softly.

'But couldn't you have it checked out? Have you told people here? Does Sheppard know? What about surgery?' He rambled.

'I had surgery George, in Boston. It had spread too far already, there wasn't anymore that could be done.' Meredith said softly still holding onto his hand.

'Is that why you came back?' He asked. 'That's why isn't it? To die here? To get our forgiveness, his forgiveness before you die?'

'That's part of the reason yes.'

'What's the other part?' He asked harshly.

'I didn't want to die alone George. You're my family. I didn't want to die without saying goodbye. I wanted to die here in this hospital, can you understand that?' Meredith asked. 'I'm scared George. I don't want to die alone like my mother did.' Tears started to slip down her cheeks, and George reached out and took her in his arms gently.

'You're not going to die alone Mer. I'll be here, and so will Izzie, and Alex, and Derek and even Cristina. We'll all be here. I promise.'

He held her for a few moments rubbing her back gently. 'Do you feel any better now?' He asked. 'Has the Vicodin kicked in yet?'

Meredith smiled slightly. 'Yeah it has a bit. Of course now I'm slightly high, so McDreamy's surgery is out.'

'Don't worry; I'll cover for you. I'll just say that Bailey wanted you for something. Hey does Bailey know?' George asked.

'Yeah she does. So does the chief. I had to have their ok to come back to work, and as I get sicker I'll become more and more fatigued. I need someone to watch me to make sure I don't slip up.'

'You shouldn't be working Meredith. You should be spending the time you have left living, not working.' George said firmly.

'George, everyone I care about is in this hospital twenty-four hours a day. I want to work for as long as I can. I need to.' Meredith sighed. 'I really wanted to be a surgeon.' She said sadly.

'You are a surgeon.' George said. 'You are the best of us all.'

Meredith smiled at him and then pulled the crumpled list out of her pocket and gave it to him. He opened it and read it then looked at her in confusion.

'What's this?'

'It's a list of all the people I need to make things right with. I thought you might like to cross yourself off it.' She said.

George looked at the list again, pulling a red pen out of his pocket and drawing a very thick line over his name. 'You should have put Cristina after Derek.' He said. 'If you plan on doing this in order that is.' He added.

'Yeah I know. I figured that one out on my first day back!'

'Hey um Meredith? You know this looks like a hit list don't you?' George said.

'Shut up.' She said snatching the paper out of his hand. 'Help me up. We need to get back, I'm feeling much better now and I don't want to give Derek another reason to yell at me.'

George pulled her to her feet and they headed out of the bathroom. Meredith stopped him as they reached the door.

'George?' She asked.

'Yeah?'

'Can you tell Izzie?' She looked at him. 'I don't think I could bear to tell her. Not after what happened to Denny.'

'Yeah.' He said again. 'I'll tell her.'

They headed back down the hall to the patients room where they could see Derek waiting for them.

'Where have you been?' he asked impatiently.

'Meredith is sick.' George said firmly. 'She can't scrub in today.'

'George!' Meredith exclaimed.

'Since when does Dr Grey need your opinion on whether she is fit for surgery?' Derek asked, his eyes flashing.

'Since now.' George muttered.

'George is right Dr Sheppard. I can't scrub in, I'm sorry. I'll find Dr Bailey and get her to give me another task.'

Derek looked at Meredith closely, and she spotted what looked like a flash of concern cross his face.

'Very well. He said. 'If you are too sick to scrub in then I am sure Dr Bailey will find you some scut to do.'

Meredith nodded and began to head off down the corridor, but was stopped by George, who had grabbed onto her hand, and wasn't letting go. He looked at her quite desperately as if she might disappear at any moment.

'George.' She said softly. 'It's okay. It's going to be okay.' She touched his shoulder and pulled her hand slowly from his.

'Meredith.' He whispered as he watched her walk away from him, and he felt as if his whole world had turned upside down and would never be righted again. He turned to Derek, who was watching this scene in confusion and concern. 'You should give her a second chance you know.' He said. 'You'll regret it if you don't.'

Derek looked at Meredith's retreating figure. He was starting to think that George might be right.

**A/N- So please don't be too angry with me… this was my plan from the start. And please review, I really want to know what people think of this chapter. Some of you had already guessed, as I had left some not too subtle hints along the way… but some seemed to have no idea… **

**The lyrics at the start are 'Unlike Me' By Kate Havnevik. **

**I borrowed the phrase 'I'm having a problem with cancer' from the movie 'Life as a house.' Just thought I should make that known…**


	6. One perfect night

**A/N- So I'm very sorry it has been so long between updates… I promise I won't do that again, it was just a crazy few weeks for me! However things have settled down somewhat and I really hope this chapter is worth the wait. Please don't punish me by not reviewing! Keep them coming!**

'_He will do one of two things  
He will admit to everything  
Or he'll say he's just not the same  
And you'll begin to wonder why you came.'_

There were cracks in her ceiling. Not really big ones, but large enough to annoy her. Meredith was lying on her bed staring at the ceiling, and there were cracks in it. For a brief moment she had considered getting the ceiling fixed, but then remembered that she wouldn't be around to enjoy the new ceiling and therefore what was the point? She had been lying here for probably 2 hours now, not really wanting to go downstairs. She loved Izzie very much and George too but every conversation she had with them now seemed to be about her cancer, either directly or indirectly. It was just a bit tough to take sometimes; she didn't want to be reminded of it. Two weeks had passed since she had told George, and while not much had changed on the surface it was as if everything had changed underneath. Meredith was amazed that for once a secret had actually managed to remain a secret. So while everyone was careful to not let it slip at work, at home it was a different story.

George had told Izzie about Meredith's cancer on very day that he himself had found out. Two days later Meredith had worked up the courage to tell Alex and as a result the four of them had a few very tearful nights together. Alex had been particularly upset at the news and it was the first time any of the other interns had ever seen him cry. Meredith had simply put her arms around him and held him tight whispering that everything would be okay. But now, he at least seemed to be able to have a conversation with her that wasn't laced with sorrow or concern. It was yet another thing from Alex she had to be grateful for.

She was really irritated that there were cracks in her ceiling, this kind of thing didn't normally bother her but she found that these days she was far more anal and particular about things than she ever had been before. Maybe it was something to do with wanting to finish things and have things perfect before she died, even things as stupid as cracks in her ceiling. If Cristina knew, she would probably laugh at her. But Cristina still wasn't talking to Meredith, not unless it was specifically related to medicine. She didn't know about the cancer and neither did Derek, and frankly Meredith was suspecting that they wouldn't find out till she died if things kept going the way they were. She was tired of constantly trying to apologize, or start a casual conversation with them, particularly Cristina. Derek was simply avoiding her as much as possible, but Cristina was actually rude either telling her to shut up or just ignoring her completely.

Meredith rolled onto her side; she didn't want to look at her ceiling anymore. She didn't want to look at anything. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried not to think about how unfair it was that everyone else got to grow old and she didn't. Despite how hard she tried to stop it she couldn't help the few tears that leaked out her tightly shut eyes. She hated crying; it certainly wasn't going to change her prognosis.

'Meredith?' Izzie's voice pulled her from her thoughts. 'Are you okay? I thought you were asleep.'

'I'm fine Izzie. I was trying to sleep, but it's harder than it used to be I guess.' She said wearily.

'Oh. Well, there's someone at the door for you.' Izzie said uncertainly.

'It's really late Izzie. Who is it? I don't feel like talking to anyone right now.' Meredith sighed, she was settling nicely into a sea of depression and whoever it was (probably George or Alex) would just have to go away.

'Meredith. You really want to go downstairs.' Izzie said firmly. 'It's important.'

'Fine.' She said sharply, and hauled herself off the bed and stomped down the stairs, whoever it was would pay dearly for forcing her out of bed at this time of night.

Except that the person at the door was Derek.

He looked rumpled and confused. Like he wasn't quite sure of what he was doing there. Meredith was hit with a sense of déjà vu, and she remembered the time he visited her the night the bomb went off.

'Hey.' She said.

'Hey.'

'What are you doing here?' She asked.

'I don't know.'

Meredith just looked at him.

'I don't know what to say to you.' He said softly.

'Then why did you come?' She asked, confused.

'I just wanted to see you. I just have to say, I wanted to say…' He trailed off.

'What do you want to say to me?' She asked. She was still standing at the bottom of the stairs uncertain about coming any closer.

Derek took a few steps towards her, then stopped. 'I want to tell you that I love you. And that I'm sorry. And I want to start over.' He stared at her, giving her the McDreamy look that she had missed so much. 'I'm sorry Meredith.'

Considering that this speech was something Meredith had been longing to hear, it was somewhat surprising that she responded the way she did.

'Why now Derek?' She asked. 'Why not earlier, like all those times I tried to talk? Or all those times you were ignoring me in an elevator?' She said, surprised at how angry she felt.

'Can we go somewhere and talk?' He asked, stepping closer.

'Fine. Let's go to the kitchen.' She brushed past him and went into the kitchen, switching on the light. Izzie had clearly gone to bed and as it was well past midnight this was hardly surprising.

'Are you going to answer my question?' She asked.

'Why didn't I say this to you earlier?' He asked.

'Yes.'

Derek sighed. 'Because I was angry Meredith, hell I'm still angry. But I'm not going to let it stand in the way anymore.'

'I've said I was sorry for leaving in so many different ways so many different times Derek. How can you still be angry at me?'

'Because it hurt Meredith! You left without telling me! One day you were here, and we were in love and everything was good, and the next day you've left me!' He yelled.

'Yeah well you left me once before remember. And you treated me like crap afterwards, and you called me a whore. I still forgave you for that.' She shot back.

'That's not a fair comparison. At least you knew I was alive.' Derek said quietly. 'I didn't know where you were, you had been depressed, and your mother had just died. I thought you might have…' He trailed off.

'Killed myself?' Meredith supplied.

'No not really, had an accident maybe.' He said running a hand through his hair tiredly. 'You did try to drown yourself in the bathtub remember?'

'I did not try to drown myself in the bathtub! Why does everyone keep bringing that up…' She muttered.

'I just didn't know where you were, and then you didn't come back. I just couldn't believe it.' He said.

'That's why I apologized like five hundred times Derek.' She said pointedly.

'And I'm sorry I called you a whore.' He added as an afterthought.

'I know you are.' Meredith said. 'I didn't mean to behave so badly, but I was angry too. What happened to my mother was my decision to make, not yours. And definitely not Cristina's.'

'I know Mer. I'm sorry.' He said. 'I shouldn't have done what I did.'

'No you shouldn't have.'

'And you shouldn't have left.' He prompted.

'No I shouldn't have.' She murmured. You have no idea how much I shouldn't have she added silently to herself.

'So can I kiss you now?' Derek asked, all smirking and McDreamy like.

'That's it? You think we can just go back to normal now that we both have apologized?' Meredith said, raising her eyebrows.

'Yes.' He replied. 'There's no reason why we can't, unless you don't love me anymore.'

Meredith looked at him and thought about the first time she saw him at Joes, she thought about the first time she saw him at Seattle Grace. She thought about the first time she saw Addison, and the way he looked at her when he told her he had chosen Addison over her. She remembered the way he at looked at her when he was jealous over Finn, and the way he had looked at her across the dance floor at the prom. Most of all she remembered the way he looked at her when he had stood in her kitchen and told her he was in love with her.

'Yes.' She said.

'Yes what?'

'Yes you can kiss me now.' She said feeling strangely nervous as she watched his face light up as he slowly crossed the room to her.

He took her gently in his arms and whispered 'So you do still love me.' He murmured into her hair as he breathed her in.

'I never stopped.' Meredith whispered.

'Neither did I.' He replied, as he slowly drew her face to his and kissed her lips gently.

Meredith leaned into the kiss as it deepened and she felt her heart racing. She had forgotten just how safe and comfortable and at home being with him made her feel. She wrapped her arms around his neck, letting her fingers graze slowly through his hair. She felt his hands caress the side of her face gently and he slowly pulled away, keeping their faces close and staring into her eyes. She had always liked his eyes; they were the deepest indigo blue. As she looked into them she felt as though nothing else in the world mattered now they were together again, and not even her cancer could spoil this moment.

'Take me for a ride Derek.' She whispered with a smile.

He laughed softly, remembering a time that was long past. He picked her up gently, cradling her in his arms and carried her up the stairs to the bedroom.

Later that night they lay tangled together in a mess of sheets and sweat, simply enjoying each others company. Meredith lay with her head on his chest and was reveling in the simple sound of his heart beating. She thought for the second time that night that Cristina would laugh at how sappy she was, if they had still been each other's person. As happy as she was she couldn't get Cristina out of her head.

'Derek?' She questioned.

'Mmmm?' He replied half asleep.

'What happened with Cristina?'

'What do you mean?' He asked, confused.

'With what happened with my mother, how did she get involved exactly?'

Derek shifted under her slightly, and brushed his hand gently over her hair. 'I thought we were done with that Mer. I said I was sorry.'

'No it's not that, I just don't really know what happened. And it's not like you and Cristina were exactly the type to hang out and make plans together.'

'That's true.' He said.

'So what happened?' Meredith asked again.

Derek sat up suddenly and Meredith fell off his chest to the side of the bed. 'She approached me and asked me if you had arranged for your mom to have the surgery.' He paused. 'I told her that you had, and then she asked me what I thought. I said it was a bad idea. She agreed with me and pointed out that Ellis didn't even want the surgery.'

'No she didn't but it wasn't her decision it was mine.' Meredith huffed.

Derek picked up her hand and laced his fingers through hers. 'I know that.' He said softly. 'Well Cristina said that it would be better if I cancelled it in your name. She seemed to think that your mom had put you through enough already. She was worried about you.'

'She was worried about me? Or you were worried about me?'

'We both were worried about you.' He whispered. 'Especially me.'

'I'm sorry Derek.' Meredith said sadly. 'What I did to you was so cruel. You didn't deserve that.'

'I'm sorry too; I shouldn't have decided what was best for you. I shouldn't have tried to run your life.' He put his arm around her and pulled her closer. 'You know what? Let's not say we're sorry anymore. We've said it enough.'

Meredith wriggled out of his grasp and pulled the list off her bedside table. She opened it and showed it to Derek.

'What is this, a hit list?' Derek asked.

Meredith hit him playfully. 'No! Although George said that too when I showed it to him. It's my list of who I need to make things right with, and now I can cross your name off.'

'Can't I cross my own name off?' he asked with a smile.

'No, I want to do this one.' Meredith replied. 'For some unexplainable reason, I really need to do this one.' She took her fat black pen and drew a line across his name. There was now only one name on it.

'You should have put Cristina last.' Derek said flatly.

'Everyone says that.'

'That's it. I'm not going to let this go on for much longer. I'm going to talk to Bailey and make sure that you and Cristina are on the same case every single day till you work things out.' He said stubbornly.

Meredith sighed. 'I don't think Bailey will go for that.' Bailey had been like a mother lion when it came to Meredith's health, ever since she became sick that day and had to pull out of Derek's surgery. She wouldn't let her near any kind of stressful situation, and had told her that she was seriously considering recommending to the chief that she stop work altogether. And working everyday with Cristina would certainly put her under a lot of stress.

'Well maybe every second day.' He said, pulling her closer again.

Meredith lay snuggled in his arms and closed her eyes. Right now, in this moment it didn't matter to her that Cristina still wasn't speaking to her. All that mattered was that she had Derek back and she was safe again.

'I wish this could last forever.' She whispered.

'Have some faith Mer.' He whispered back. 'This could last forever, or at least till we are both wrinkly and old.'

'Mmmm.' she replied, a horribly guilty feeling settling in her stomach. She knew she had to tell him that she had less than three months left, but he was so happy, and she was so happy, and she just wanted one perfect night with him. Just one night where she didn't have to be poor dying Meredith, one night to pretend that everything was going to be fine.

She would tell him tomorrow.

**A/N- The lyrics at the start are 'How to save a life' by The Fray (and if you are a Grey's Anatomy fan who didn't know that, then you must have been living under a rock!) **


	7. Love Is Not Enough

'_The truth is there's no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love? Why you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.'_

The next morning when Meredith climbed slowly down the stairs, she couldn't keep the smile off her face and when she entered the kitchen she was greeted by Izzie, who looked somewhat tired but also pleased.

'So I guess you two made up? Judging from the noise you were making anyway.' She said with a smirk.

'I'm not that loud!' Meredith exclaimed.

'Oh yes you are, but you're forgiven this time. So is he still here?'

'Yeah, he's in the shower.' She replied.

'How did he take it?' Izzie asked softly.

Meredith looked away. 'I haven't told him yet.'

'What?' Izzie hissed. 'Mer he has to know, you can't keep this from him.'

'I know, but he is just so happy, and I was so happy and I just wanted to hold onto that for awhile longer. As soon as I tell him it will be over, and I just want some happiness. Please Izzie? Can you understand that?' Mer said desperately.

'Yeah I can, but Meredith? You know the longer you wait the worse it will be, for both of you? You know that right?' Izzie said.

'Yeah I know. I just can't bear to tell him. I'll tell him tomorrow.' Meredith said as she reached for her vicodin and put two into her mouth.

'You're going through those faster than before aren't you?' Izzie asked, as she watched Meredith put the bottle back into her purse.

'Yeah.' She said softly. 'I decided that the pain wasn't worth the surgeries since half the time I couldn't do them properly anyway.'

'I'm sorry Mer.'

'I know you are.'

'I don't want to tell him.' Meredith said flatly.

'Yeah.'

Meredith grimaced and sat abruptly down at the table. Izzie slowly sat down next to her and brushed her hair out of her face.

'Is it that bad?' She questioned.

Meredith just nodded.

'Maybe you need something stronger.' She said uncertainly.

'Stronger than what?' Derek asked as he entered the kitchen fresh from his shower. He leaned down and kissed Meredith briefly, and ran his hand through her hair. 'What's wrong?' he asked a look of concern in his eyes.

'Mer has a headache.' Izzie said quickly turning away from them.

'Well that's likely to be my fault.' He said with a smile. 'It's probably from lack of sleep, I'd say I'm sorry but we all know I'm not.'

'It was worth it.' Meredith said and she meant it.

'Hey I was kept up all night too you know, where's my apology?' Izzie snapped, but she was smiling as she said it.

'We're sorry Iz.' Meredith said.

'Hmmm.' she replied.

Meredith pushed herself up from the table. 'I'll be fine'. She said to Derek, but she meant it more to Izzie, who nodded silently from her place next to the sink. 'I'm going to get my bag, we need to get going.' She added heading upstairs.

Izzie looked at Derek. 'It's nice to see you smiling again. You changed so much when she left.'

'I didn't change that much.' he grumbled.

'Yes you did. You stopped smiling, and you stopped caring.' Izzie paused. 'It's just nice to see McDreamy back you know?'

'It's nice to be back.' he murmured softly, looking up the stairs for Meredith.

'Just be careful okay? Don't… just be careful.'

Derek looked at her closely. 'I'm not going to hurt her again Izzie. You don't need to worry about that.'

'That's not what I'm worried about.' She said, but he barely heard her as Meredith had reappeared at the bottom of the stairs.

'Let's go.' He said opening the door for her.

Meredith looked at Izzie for a moment.

Izzie mouthed 'tell him.'

'I will.' She mouthed back. Just not right now, she thought to herself. As she followed Derek to the car she thought about what Izzie had said, and she knew she was right. He needed to be told, but did it have to be right now? Things were so perfect like this, he was so perfect, he was happy, and he was her McDreamy. Meredith knew that once she told him she was dying, he wouldn't be her Derek anymore, and she couldn't let that happen. Not yet anyway, they needed more time. She needed more time, it would be easier later.

However as the days turned into weeks she found that as Izzie had predicted it actually got harder rather than easier. She found that she had to be careful about not taking her medication around him and she found pretending to be well all the time was exhausting her completely. In fact when a whole month had gone by and she still hadn't told him, Izzie began to threaten that if she didn't do it soon then she would do it for her.

Meredith was actually surprised that Derek hadn't worked it out for himself yet, but then again one should never underestimate the power of denial. But the signs were all there. She didn't really eat anymore, she was incredibly skinny now, and she was already skinny to begin with. She got tired all the time and she tried so hard to pretend that she didn't feel sick or that she wasn't in pain, but she knew that he saw through it, or at least part of it. He was always trying to make her eat more, and he was content to sit quietly with her when she was feeling ill or had a 'headache'.

On one particularly bad day she was stuck with Cristina on one of Derek's cases. It wasn't a particularly complex case and for the better part of the morning Meredith was actually looking forward to the possibility of scrubbing in. True to his word Derek had made sure that she was working with Cristina on every possible case. This was all very well, but Cristina wouldn't budge. She refused to speak to Meredith about anything that wasn't directly related to whatever case they were working on at the time. She was literally the most stubborn person Meredith had ever known. Derek wasn't pleased at all that his master plan wasn't working, but all Meredith could feel was a kind of sadness that she wasn't spending more time with people who actually cared about her. Also the fact that Cristina clearly wasn't her person anymore was heartbreaking.

At lunchtime Derek walked her to the cafeteria his hand grasping hers tightly.

'I'm sorry she still isn't talking to you.' He said softly. 'It must be awful.'

'I don't know. Maybe it's for the best.' Meredith said more to herself than to him.

'Why would it be for the best?' Derek asked.

'Nothing, I don't know. I'm just not feeling great right now.' She said shrugging him off.

'You're feeling sick a lot these days Mer, you should get that checked out.'

'I said I'm feeling not great, not that I'm feeling sick.' She snapped. In truth she was feeling well past sick but she really really wanted to scrub in on that surgery and so was refusing to take anything too strong and was determined to push through the pain.

As they arrived in the cafeteria Meredith spotted Izzie and George sitting at a table outside and she started to make her way over.

'Thank god it's lunchtime.' She sighed as she sank into an empty chair.

'Why it's not like you were planning to eat anything anyway.'

'I'm just so tired.' Meredith whispered. Izzie reached out and squeezed her hand.

Derek reached the table and sat down next to Meredith.

'Seriously?' Izzie asked. 'You actually think you can sit here? You're an attending, you can't sit here.' She shrugged. 'Besides Alex will be here soon and you're in his seat.'

Derek stood with an amused expression on his face. He leant down and kissed Meredith softly cupping her face in his hands. 'I'll see you in surgery.' He said softly. 'Please make her eat something.' He said to Izzie and George. 'She isn't feeling well again and I really don't want her to waste away to nothing.'

'We'll try Dr Sheppard.' George said as Izzie glared at Meredith. Derek smiled, kissed Mer on the top of the head then walked away.

'You still haven't told him?' Izzie said accusingly. 'You have to tell him Mer. It's been almost a month. It's so cruel not to tell him.'

Meredith pressed her hands to her head. 'I will tell him.' She said. 'I'll tell him today, after the surgery.' Izzie just looked at her with an 'I don't believe you' expression.

'I will Izzie. I promise.'

'You haven't taken anything today have you Meredith.' George says softly.

'No I haven't.'

'You should, you know. Even with the surgery. You'll be able to concentrate more if you don't feel pain.' He said.

'I just don't feel right about cutting someone open whilst on drugs.' Meredith said strongly.

'I don't know why you care so much, its not like other doctors don't do it, and those doctors don't have an actual reason either.' Izzie scoffed.

'Yeah well I want to die with a little dignity and self respect thanks.' Meredith said crossly.

Izzie's face paled. 'I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to upset you; I just hate seeing you in pain all the time.'

'I know Iz, but just remember that I am living the rest of my life how I want to okay? And please get off my back about Derek. I will tell him.'

'You still haven't told Sheppard?' Alex exclaimed plonking his tray down on the table in front of him.

Meredith buried her head in her arms. 'Not you too! I wish everyone would just leave me alone.'

'Yang still not talking to you huh?' Alex asked, rubbing Meredith's shoulders gently.

'That's gotta suck.'

'It does.' Meredith mumbled, her face still buried in her arms. 'I'm so tired of always working with the one person left who still hates me!'

'She doesn't hate you Meredith, she is just so stubborn, and she will give eventually. You know she will.' Alex said.

'Yeah but it may be too late by then, if you know what I mean.' Meredith said sadly.

'You should tell her.' Izzie said suddenly. 'Even though she hasn't forgiven you, you should still tell her.'

'This is depressing. Let's talk about something else.' Alex said.

'Yeah like my aneurism surgery with Sheppard that I am determined to scrub in on.' Meredith said lifting her head.

'Yeah well if you want to scrub in then you have to eat something.' Izzie coaxed. 'Otherwise I'm telling on you.'

'Fine.' Meredith snapped, pulling her salad towards her and stabbing it viciously with a fork.

'That's my girl.' Izzie said smugly.

Meredith may have been pissed at Izzie at the time, but she was later thankful. The small amount of food in her stomach made her feel well enough to scrub in on Derek's surgery. However the pain increased as the surgery went on, and Meredith couldn't help but feel as though this was the last time she would scrub in on anything.

'Meredith?' Derek asked. 'You okay?'

'Yeah I'm fine.' She murmured. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Cristina looking at her with what appeared to be poorly masked concern. 'I'll be fine.' She said again.

'Still have that headache?' he asked casually.

'Mmmm.' Meredith responded. She tried not to openly lie to him, but it became quite difficult not to when she was feeling like this. Derek looked at her closely but let it go.

By the time the surgery had finished Meredith was feeling much much worse and was having trouble seeing clearly. She felt completely weak and nauseous, and soon began to worry that she wouldn't be able to keep standing for much longer.

'Meredith?' Cristina's face swam in front of hers. Somehow the two of them were standing in the hall outside the OR but she had no recollection of how they had got there.

'Are you okay?' came Cristina's voice again, but it was almost like hearing it in slow motion. Meredith tried to shake her head but found that even that small movement was too much for her. Then everything went black and she found herself crashing to the ground.

When she woke up she found herself in a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV and a morphine drip. She glanced up and her eyes landed on Derek, who was leaning in the doorway as if he was afraid to enter the room because of what he might find there. He should be afraid, she sure as hell was.

'What happened?' She asked slowly, holding her hand out to him.

Derek walked to her bedside and took her hand, seating himself on the side of her bed.

'You collapsed, Cristina came and found me.' He said.

'Oh.' She replied.

'Then Bailey and the Chief got here and threw me out.' Derek continued. 'They were the ones that decided to put you on a morphine drip.' Derek paused. 'I heard them talking. Apparently you passed out from exhaustion, and the pain.'

'Derek.' Meredith said, reaching out and touching his face. 'I didn't want you to know. I thought if I loved you enough, and if you loved me, and if we were happy then that would be enough. But it isn't. Love isn't enough. Not even close.' She couldn't help the tears that slipped down her cheeks as she looked at him and the expression on his face. It was a mixture between fear, sadness and the smallest amount of hope. She was about to crush it.

'It's not headaches is it?' he asked.

'No Derek it's not.'

**A/N- Yes I know that this was a mean way to end the chapter but the conversation most of you are looking for/dreading will start the next one off I promise… **

**The quote at the start is from the movie 'Meet Joe Black' by the way… **


	8. What's Wrong With You?

**A/N – I would really like people to review this chapter, as we are nearing the end of this story and I want to know what people are thinking… also I didn't receive many reviews for the last one, either because people didn't like it… or just couldn't be bothered to review it. If it's the former, then I really would like to know! **

'Wh_en everything you have goes away  
You realize that nothing means a thing  
When all you have just falls apart  
And nothing seems to work out right  
And you're trying.'_

Meredith looked Derek in the eyes and took both of his hands in hers.

'I have cancer.'

Derek's face drained of color. He shook his head slightly, and pulled away from Meredith's hands.

'Derek?' she whispered.

'I, I don't know what that means exactly.' He said slowly. 'You aren't on any treatment, and you haven't had any surgery.' He was across the room now by the window, but he turned and looked at her.

Meredith wiped the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand. 'It's terminal Derek. I have about a month left.'

'A month. A month?' He felt like he was going to be sick. 'I just don't accept that. It's not possible.' He sat back down on the bed facing her. 'What about treatments?'

'I had surgery.'

'When did you have surgery? You didn't have it here?' He said as if he had completely forgotten that she had been away for six months.

'In Boston.' Meredith said.

A flash of understanding crossed over his face, and he paused for a moment. 'That's why you came back.' He said. 'I always wondered why you did that. I thought you were more stubborn than that. I thought you would have stayed away for two years at least.'

Meredith stayed silent.

'It all makes sense now.' He continued. 'How could I have been so blind? Are you sure there isn't anything to be done? What kind of cancer are we dealing with?'

'Does it matter?' She said bitterly.

'Yes it does. Especially if I can fix it.'

'You can't fix it.' She said looking away from him. 'No one can.' She stared out the window. 'Not even Addison. And we both know she's the best' Meredith said, answering his question indirectly.

Derek stood up again and ran his hands over his face. 'You told Addison?' He said angrily. 'You told Addison but you didn't tell me?'

'I told her shortly after coming back. Richard wanted me to get her opinion.' She said blankly, still looking away from him.

'What was it?' He asked desperately.

'It was the same as the others Derek. I'm dying, and there isn't a damn thing anyone can do about it.'

There was a long moment of silence. Then Derek sat down again and gently took her face in his hands, turning it towards him. 'Why didn't you tell me?' He whispered. 'Why? Were you going to tell me at all? Or were you just going to let me find out when you died?'

Meredith flinched at the pain in his voice and she lowered her eyes. 'I was going to tell you tonight. I know you probably don't believe me but I was.' She paused. 'Izzie has been bugging me to tell you. She said it was cruel for you not to know.'

'It was.' Derek said.

'I just didn't want to take away your happiness. I know that sounds stupid and corny but you were so happy. Izzie told me that you changed when I left, that you were sad and angry and not yourself anymore. I didn't want to turn you back into that person Derek, and also? Your happiness made me happy; it made me forget that I only had a few months left. And it made the pain better.' She said as yet another tear flowed down her cheek.

'You still make me happy. You will for the rest of my life.' Derek said calmly, running his hand over her face. 'You'll always be my Meredith.'

They sat in silence for a few minutes, and then Derek climbed onto the bed with her and took her in his arms gently. They lay together that way for a few minutes, but it felt more like a few hours.

'I'm scared.' Meredith whispered.

'I know.' Derek said softly. 'Me too.'

'I don't want to die.' She said, and her face crumpled as she finally let go and began to cry. 'I don't want to leave you.'

Derek pulled her closer and kissed her gently. 'Listen to me.' He said pushing her hair out of her face and looking into her eyes. 'I will be with you always. I will never leave you. And when you die?' he said gently 'I'll be holding your hand, and the last thing you see will be my face.'

His eyes were a sparkling blue filled with such reverence and love for her that all Meredith could do was nod, and let him hold her till her until her tears had subsided and she had fallen asleep.

Derek moved slowly from his position on the bed and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. He looked down at Meredith lying on the bed attached to a morphine drip, and suddenly felt violently ill. She was so skinny, so skinny. There was nothing to her now, only skin and bones, and he couldn't believe he hadn't seen this coming. He couldn't look at her anymore; he was afraid he was going to throw up, and he couldn't see her like this. Not right now anyway. He slowly walked out of her room with the intention of returning to his office but he only made it halfway there before he crumpled to the floor and started to cry.

It was Cristina who found him, on his knees with his head in his hands, tears streaming down his cheeks. For a moment she thought he was some patient's grief stricken relative, and she was about to help him to the waiting room when she realized it was actually Derek.

'What the hell is wrong with you?' She asked abruptly, dropping to her knees next to him and pulling on his shoulder. 'You know this is a corridor don't you?' She said.

Derek lifted his head slightly but couldn't speak; he nodded once, and then started shaking his head as a fresh wave of tears cascaded down his cheeks.

'Jesus Derek, what's wrong?' Cristina asked again, becoming alarmed.

'I, I can't. She, I can't.' He choked out.

'You're starting to hyperventilate Derek.' Cristina said sharply, pulling on his arm till he was standing and helping him into the nearest empty room. She sat him down on the bed and stood in front of him. 'Breath slowly.' She ordered. 'Don't make me get a paper bag.'

Derek shook his head and tried to slow his breathing down, but his sobs were starting to overcome him and all he could think of was Meredith's tiny form lying on that bed with a morphine drip in her arm. Finally he managed to stop crying and he wiped his hands across his eyes, staring lifelessly at the floor.

'What is wrong?' Cristina asked for the third time, speaking very slowly as if talking to a hysterical child.

'Meredith.' Derek said slowly.

Cristina looked at him for a moment, then ran out of the room.

When Meredith woke up she was disappointed to find she was alone. Derek's presence had been a welcome comfort and she wished with all her heart that she had told him sooner. It wasn't fair; she was too young to die, and he was too young to lose her. She hadn't told anyone else how terrified she was, (after all it was to be expected) but she had always previously thought how brave patients were in the face of death and now wondered if she appeared the same. She wasn't brave, she was terrified. But having Derek near her pressed up against her side warming her whole body, had relieved some of that terror and given her some much needed comfort. She didn't need to be afraid; he would be with her always.

But for now she was alone and she struggled to sit up, amazed at how tired she still felt.

'Meredith?' Dr Bailey said as she entered the room. 'How are you feeling?' She asked as she sat on the edge of her bed.

'Uh, better.' She said brightly, trying to wish it true.

'Uh huh.' Bailey replied unconvinced.

'It's true, I am feeling better. Less pain and no nausea, but the fatigue is still there.'

Bailey looked at her closely. 'Meredith, honey you know its just going to get worse don't you?' She asked seriously. 'You know you're coming up on the end?'

Meredith closed her eyes. 'I know.'

Bailey didn't say anything but instead took one of Meredith's hands in her own.

'I can't work anymore can I?' Meredith asked.

'No honey you can't.' Bailey said sadly.

'It's okay. I think.' She paused for a moment. 'Can I still be here? Even though I'm not working?'

'Don't you want to spend this time with Derek?' Bailey asked gently.

'Yes, but I want to spend this time with everyone, and I want to spend it here. This is my home.'

'If that's what you want Meredith, then who am I to deny you of it?' Bailey said reaching forward and pushing hair out of Meredith's face.

'Thank you Dr Bailey.' She whispered.

'Call me Miranda Meredith.' Bailey said softly.

'I'm sorry, but no. You'll always be Dr Bailey to me.' Meredith said with a smile.

'Dr Bailey?' Izzie said from the doorway. 'That's nice, you shoo us away from here but you're allowed to come visit?' She said indignantly.

Bailey raised her eyebrows at her. 'Stevens I shooed you lot away when she was asleep. She is no longer asleep is she?'

'So that means we can come in then?' George piped up from behind Izzie.

Bailey sighed and got up from Meredith's bed. 'Yes you can come in. Just don't exhaust her.'

'We won't.' They chimed in together and crossed the room to Meredith's side.

Bailey shook her head as she walked out of the room. 'Interns.'

'Dr Bailey?' Meredith asked.

'Yes?'

'When can I be discharged?'

'Tonight.' Bailey said. 'But only if you promise to look after yourself a bit better. Take your pain meds for a start.'

'I will.' She said softly.

'How do you feel now?' George asked.

'Much better, well the pain is better anyway.'

'What do you mean?' Izzie said.

'I told Derek.'

'Oh.' Izzie paused. 'How did he take it?'

'He took it better than I thought he would.' She paused for a moment. 'He took it better than I did. I thought he would get angry or break down or something, but he didn't, he just held me. I should have told him sooner.'

'Yeah.' Izzie said sadly.

Meredith wiped yet another tear from her eye and sighed angrily. 'I have had enough of crying! Tell me something funny. Please?' '

'Hey Grey.' Alex stuck his head in. 'You want to hear something funny?' he said entering the room.

'Just looking at you is funny Alex.' Izzie scoffed.

'That may be, but there are plenty of other funny things about me too you know.' He said with a smile.

'Yeah, but we're talking about funny humorous, not funny as in weird, strange, horrifying, perverted. Take your pick basically they all apply to you.' Izzie retaliated as Meredith choked back a snort of laughter.

'Well yes maybe, but humorous was in that list Izzie.' Alex said shaking his finger at her.

'Cristina?' George said suddenly.

'Cristina is so not funny.' Izzie said huffily.

'No Cristina is here.' George said quietly and pointed to the door.

Cristina was standing in the doorway looking at Meredith as if making sure she was really there.

'Let's go.' George said quietly, ushering Izzie and Alex out of the room. Izzie was somewhat reluctant to leave but she grudgingly followed George out the door.

'What are you doing here Cristina?' Meredith asked calmly.

'What's wrong with you?' She asked, stepping into the room.

'Why do you care?'

Cristina moved up to her bedside. 'I don't care, but I just found Sheppard in the middle of a hallway collapsed on the floor crying his eyes out, and all he could say was your name.'

Meredith looked away. 'Jesus.'

'What's wrong with you?' Cristina asked again.

Meredith knew that there wasn't much point in lying to Cristina, and she could see that Cristina was just putting up an act. She really was concerned about her, but was still too angry to just say that. 'I have cancer.' She said flatly.

'Cancer.' Cristina repeated.

'Yes.'

'What kind?' Cristina asked, frozen to the spot.

'Ovarian.'

'So it's terminal?'

'Yes.' Meredith said again.

Cristina turned away from Meredith and walked across the room covering her mouth with her hand as if she was going to throw up. Then she turned back to face Meredith. 'You selfish bitch!' She exclaimed ' That's why you came back here. You knew you were dying and you didn't want to die alone!' Cristina yelled. 'So you come back here? What, so you could get us to like you again and then you die? You freaking die Meredith? We had to deal with losing you once already, what makes you think you deserve to have your hand held as you die?'

Cristina was yelling so loudly that people in the hallway could hear her and soon two nurses as well as Izzie and George (who had obviously been lurking just outside the door) came into the room.

'Cristina maybe…' George began but she cut him off.

'Shut up Bambi, this doesn't concern you.'

'Cristina!' Meredith snapped. 'Yes I'm dying, and yes I didn't want to die alone. But that is not the only reason I came back here. This is my home and you guys are my family. I wanted to be here with you, whether you forgave me or not.'

'Yeah well I don't. And I don't know why those fools have either, and just because you're dying doesn't mean I'm going to change my mind.' Cristina snapped. 'Karma's a wonderful thing Meredith. In fact I bet that why you got cancer in the first place.'

'DR YANG!' A voice thundered from the doorway. Derek was standing at the door glaring at Cristina, his eyes narrowed and his face red. He looked ferocious and Cristina abruptly shut up. Even Meredith was slightly terrified of him; she had never seen him look like that before.

'How dare you come in here and speak that way to Meredith. She has apologized to you repeatedly and you haven't said a word to her. You have no right to be in this room. Get out!' He yelled.

Cristina didn't move, but she wasn't brave enough to say anything either.

'GET OUT!' He screamed.

Cristina looked at Meredith who had started to cry silently, then back at Derek, and walked out of the room.

'Jesus Christ.' Izzie said letting out a breath she didn't even know she had been holding. 'What a bitch.'

'Can everyone please leave for a moment?' Derek asked abruptly.

'Derek?' Meredith asked once they were alone. 'It's okay.'

'No it's not.' He said. 'I should have been here, I shouldn't have left you. I wouldn't have let her speak to you like that. I wouldn't have even let her in the room.'

'Don't be too hard on her.' She said softly. 'We all deal in different ways, and I know it doesn't seem like it, but she's really hurting.'

Derek looked at her. 'I know.' He paused. 'I can do this Meredith.'

'I know you can.' She said softly.

**A/N- The lyrics at the start are 'Still Alright' by Adam Merrin.**


	9. You're Still My Person

**A/N- I'm sorry it has been such a long time between updates, but this chapter was very hard to write… and I wanted it to be perfect before I posted it! I hope you enjoy it, and please review! **

'_These are the words I never said  
This is the path I'll never tread  
These are the dreams I'll dream instead  
This is the joy that's seldom spread  
These are the tears...  
The tears we shed  
This is the fear  
This is the dread  
These are the contents of my head  
And these are the years that we have spent  
And this is what they represent'_

Derek was dreaming. It was one of those wonderful dreams where everything was perfect but also a little hazy, so you never really remembered it but you knew it was good. All Derek really knew was that he was there and Meredith was there and they were safe and happy and there was no such thing as cancer. And for some reason everything was pink, which would normally have upset him slightly as pink is so not a manly color, but in this particular dream it seemed to fit. He stirred slightly as he slowly began to wake up from his dream, and he opened his eyes blearily. He rolled over and looked at Meredith who was lying on the far side of the bed, during the night she had obviously rolled away from his arms and she looked so peaceful that he didn't want to touch her. She was finding it harder and harder to sleep properly these days, despite how fatigued she was.

It had been two weeks since she had come home from the hospital, two weeks since he had found out that she was dying. Derek was surprised at how well she was holding together, although he knew all about acceptance versus depression in cancer patients and preparing for death and so on. Still she seemed to have a sort of calmness about her now that he had never seen in her before; it was frightening but also amazing. She had never been more beautiful to him than she had been in these past two weeks, and he felt desperate to hold onto every single moment of her life. In the past two weeks they had spent every available minute together, either at the hospital or at home, and Derek had been forced to watch her grow weaker and weaker with each passing moment.

In truth he was just barely holding it together. Ever since he had collapsed in the hallway that day, he had felt as though he was just holding on by a thread, and that any small move might cause him to break again. It had been Addison who had found him, after Cristina had helped him to the empty room and then deserted him so she could yell at her ex best friend. Addison had found him, and had just sat with him for a few moments not saying a word, just waiting until his sobs had been reduced to hiccups and his hiccups reduced to silence.

'I'm sorry I couldn't tell you.' She said softly.

'I know you are.' He shook his head. 'It doesn't mean I forgive you for it.'

'You need someone to blame.'

'Yes.' He said. 'But I don't blame you.' He glanced up at her. 'You tried to help her?'

'Yes, although there really wasn't anything I could do. It had spread too far, even chemo seemed foolish and too painful to consider.' Addison said sadly.

'How could she let it get so bad?' He wondered.

'Why don't you ask her?' She said.

'I can't even look at her. I can't ask her that.'

'You're angry.' She stated.

'Yes.'

'Derek you can't be angry. You don't have enough time. My best guess is that she has less than a month left; do you want to spend it being angry? She needs you; you have to pull it together.'

'What if I can't?' He asked helplessly.

'Then you'll regret it for the rest of your life.' Addison stated. 'You can do this Derek. You don't get to fall apart.'

'I can do this.' He said, looking up at her for assurance.

'Yes you can.' She said firmly squeezing his hand.

Derek stood up slowly and wiped his hand over his eyes. 'Thank you Addison.' He said softly before heading back to Meredith's room.

Then he had found Cristina yelling at Meredith and he discovered quickly that yes, he could do this, he was strong enough, and he wouldn't fall apart till it was over.

He rolled over onto his back. Derek found comfort these days in the smallest things, such as watching Meredith sleep. She was so peaceful when she slept and even her snoring couldn't bother him now. Not that she snored much anymore anyway. He looked back at her and resisted the urge to snuggle up against her as she was so still.

She was too still.

Derek reached out and brushed a piece of hair out of her eyes.

'Meredith?'

Nothing.

'Meredith?' he said again, starting to panic. He took her by the shoulders and shook her gently. 'Meredith please? It's too soon; it's not enough time, please?'

'Mmmm.' she mumbled.

'Oh thank god.' Derek sighed in relief. He quickly checked her over, and was relieved to find her alive but barely conscious.

'Come on baby, we have to get you to the hospital.' He whispered.

When they arrived at the hospital it was Bailey who was waiting to greet them. She looked somewhat surprised to see Derek clambering out of the back of the ambulance.

'What?' She began but he cut her off.

'It's Meredith. She's barely conscious.' He said as he climbed down, pulling Meredith's gurney behind him.

'Derek, let us work.' Bailey said gently, pushing him out of the way. 'Stay close by, I'll keep you posted on how she's doing, and as soon as I can, I'll let you in to see her.'

And with that she whisked Meredith into the hospital leaving Derek standing in the ambulance bay.

'Oh God' He whispered.

It was a good hour later before he thought to page Izzie, Alex, and George. By that stage Meredith had been moved to a private room in the surgical wing which was obviously bending the rules as she wasn't and had never been a surgical patient. Still Richard insisted that she be in a room close to the people she loved, and so there she was. She wasn't even supposed to be in a hospital really, she should have been in a hospice like all the other cancer patients waiting to die, but Meredith was the golden child of surgery at Seattle Grace and whatever she wanted she would have.

Derek waited outside the room. Meredith was still drifting in and out of consciousness. He had only managed a few words with her when she first arrived in her room, but now she had been sedated.

Izzie arrived first.

'Is she okay?' She asked as George and Alex made their way up the corridor.

Derek just shrugged.

'She's still alive, if that's what you're asking… but she's not conscious right now, she's drifting in and out.'

'But she was fine yesterday.' Izzie said in disbelief.

'She wasn't fine.' Derek said. 'She's been getting weaker and weaker each day, and she deteriorated severly overnight.' he wiped absently at the tears on his face. 'She's near the end.'

'How much longer?' Alex asked.

'You know the answer to that as well as I do. A week maybe, if she's lucky.' He said softly.

'Or unlucky' murmured George. 'She must be in a lot of pain.'

'Well they have her sedated right now, as well as medicated. But I know she wants to be lucid for as much time as possible, so yes I suppose there will be quite a lot of pain as she deteriorates.' Derek said as a few tears slipped down his cheeks. 'I don't want her to be in pain. I'd rather she remained sedated.'

'She wants to spend as much time with you as she can.' Izzie said. 'She's worried about leaving you.'

'I'll be fine.' He said distantly. But his eyes were lying. 'Anyway she's not in any condition for visitors, and there's not much you can do. Why don't you guys come back in a few hours? She might be able to talk for awhile then.'

'Dr Sheppard?' Alex asked, 'Is there anything we can do for you?'

Derek shook his head as he walked slowly down the corridor. 'No, there's nothing.'

The interns stared after him for a few minutes before returning to their work.

Cristina had just finished up her post op notes for Burke, and was walking past the nurses' station on her way to lunch when she overheard some of the nurses talking.

'Yes that's right she was admitted this morning.'

'Really? I thought she'd have longer than that.'

'Well from what I can tell she was in pretty bad shape, she was barely conscious.'

'So she could die at any moment then.'

'Probably. It's so sad, she's so young.'

Cristina stopped walking. 'Are you talking about Meredith?' She snapped.

Olivia glared at her 'Yes. Not that it matters to you.'

'What room is she in?' She asked, ignoring Olivia's glare.

'Why do you care?'

'Look I'm really not in the mood for bullshit right now. Tell me what room she's in.' Cristina snapped.

'314, but I don't think you'll be welcome there.' Olivia called out after Cristina, who had broken into a run in the direction of Meredith's room.

When she got to her door she slowed down, afraid to go in, afraid of what she might find. The door was open, and she could see Meredith. But there was no one in the room with her. Cristina had expected Derek to be sitting by her bed, or guarding her door or something, the fact that she was alone made Cristina terrified. She was too late.

'Meredith?' She whispered as she crept towards the bed. 'Mer?'

She was so still, she was too still.

'Meredith please don't be… Don't be dead. Wake up.' Cristina started to cry as she put her hands around Meredith's and brought her hand up to her lips. 'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please wake up. Please? I can't do this without you. I lied, you're still my person. You'll always be my person. Please wake up. I'm sorry.'

'Cristina?' Meredith said softly. 'You'll always be my person too.'

'Oh thank you.' Cristina said burying her head on Meredith's chest, still holding her hand. 'Thank you for waking up.' She said, lifting her head and looking at Meredith through her tears. 'There is so much I wanted to tell you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry about your mother. It was wrong what I did, and I'm sorry I wouldn't talk to you when I had the chance.'

'I'm sorry I ran away.' Meredith said.

'I know, its okay.' Cristina said softly, pushing Meredith's hair back and running her hand softly over her cheek. 'You don't have to talk.'

For a few minutes they just sat there in silence, as Cristina continued to hold her hand.

'Cristina?' Meredith said.

'Yes?'

'I need you to do me a favor.'

'Anything.'

'I can't ask Derek for this, I don't think he could handle it.'

'Meredith what is it?' Cristina asked.

'I want to sign a DNR.'

'What?'

Meredith sighed. 'Cristina, I'm going to die. And it's going to be soon. I don't want to prolong that, I don't want people to suffer any longer than they have to.'

'You think that signing a DNR order will stop our suffering? You know that it won't make any difference to us if you die today or if you die in three months.' Cristina said.

'I don't want to be intubated; I don't want a machine to live for me. Almost everyone in my situation has a DNR. Why should I be any different?'

'You're not.' Cristina paused. 'I'll get the papers.'

'Thank you.' Meredith whispered. Cristina nodded, but continued to sit next to her and still had not let go of her hand.

'Uh, Cristina?' Meredith asked.

'I don't want to leave you.' Cristina whispered.

'I'll still be here when you get back.' She said softly. 'It's okay.' She paused. 'It will be okay.'

Cristina nodded silently, then giving Meredith's hand a final squeeze she got up and left the room.

News travels fast in a hospital. Word spread quickly about Meredith and Cristina's reconciliation and before long the interns (minus Cristina) and Derek had gathered in her room.

'I knew it would work out eventually.' George said.

'No you didn't, you were the one saying that Yang would never give in and as a result would suffer for the rest of her life.' Alex said.

'I never said that.' He protested.

'Yeah you did.' Izzie and Alex said together.

'Well it doesn't matter now does it?' Derek said.

'Hey where is Cristina?' George asked. 'I thought she'd be here.'

Meredith shifted slightly. 'She's doing me a favor.'

'What favor?' Derek frowned. 'Why didn't you ask me?'

'Hey that reminds me, look what I brought from your room.' Izzie interrupted as she pulled a crumpled piece of paper from her pocket.

'My list.' Meredith said softly.

'Yeah, I thought you would want to cross Cristina's name off it.'

'Cross my name off what?' Cristina asked as she entered the room carrying Meredith's DNR forms.

'Off Meredith's list.' Izzie said.

Cristina looked at her blankly.

'The list of people she needs to make things right with.' Izzie said, handing the list to Cristina as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Cristina looked at the list, then at Meredith.

'You know this is the stupidest thing you have ever done don't you?' She said, screwing it up.

'Cristina!' Izzie exclaimed.

'What?' She replied.

'You have to cross your name off.' George said firmly. 'It's important.'

'Oh for gods sake.' She sighed. 'Fine.' She unscrewed it and crossed her name off before showing it to Meredith. 'Happy now?'

Meredith nodded.

'Good.' Cristina said, as she screwed up the list again and threw it into the trash.

'I can't believe you did that!' George exclaimed. But he stopped when he saw the smile on Meredith's face.

For some reason that simple act had made her the happiest she had been since returning to Seattle Grace.

**A/N- The lyrics are 'Why' by Annie Lennox. **


	10. Not Enough Heartbeats

**A/N- So this is the last chapter… then an epilogue, and then that's it! This will be the first story I actually finish. Sorry that this chapter took so long to come, but it was VERY hard to write. For those of you who care I will be writing a sequel and it will have both Meredith and Derek in it… and it will be a little on the experimental side… But that won't happen till the end of July. Please review this chapter, particularly if you have been with this story right from the first posting, I would love your opinion.**

'_In the arms of the Angel, fly away from here.'_

For the rest of the day the interns and Derek remained in Meredith's room, and for a few short hours they had all been able to talk and laugh together, and it had seemed like old times again, as if nothing had ever happened between them. But then Meredith had become exhausted and started to drift off. She was also given another dose of painkillers as it was clear to everyone that she desperately needed them. It was hard to watch someone you loved drift further away in each passing moment, and so after those first few hours people started to leave until only Derek and Cristina were left.

They sat in silence with her for most of the night, sleeping uncomfortably on the chairs by her bed and making sure that there was always someone holding her hand.

'Cristina?' Derek asked.

'Mmmm?'

'Do you remember last year when I was with Addison, and Meredith had that case where she accidentally intubated a woman with a DNR?'

'Vaguely. I remember she had to take the tube out when the family arrived, but that's about it.' Cristina said frowning.

'After the woman died, Meredith had a panic attack. I found her crying hysterically in a supply closet and all I could manage to get out of her was that she didn't want her mother to die alone.'

'Oh.'

'I don't want Meredith to die alone, Cristina. One of us has to be with her always. Every last second of her life has to be spent with one of us.' He said firmly.

There was silence for a time, and then Cristina said 'Her mother died alone because of us.'

'Yes.'

'It was wrong what we did.' Cristina added.

'Yes.' Derek said again.

'Do you think she's forgiven us?'

'Have you forgiven her for leaving?' He asked.

'No.' Cristina said. 'I want to, but I can't. I don't know if I ever will. I just know that it doesn't matter if I forgive her or not. She's still my person, and I still love her.'

'Then that's your answer. She hasn't forgiven us, and she never will. But it doesn't matter. All that matters is that she has chosen to spend her last days with us and the only gift we can give to her is our company.'

'I don't know what I'm going to do without her.' Cristina whispered.

'I can't think about that yet. If I do then I'm going to fall apart and I can't do that, not yet. So let's not talk about it.' Derek said.

They fell into silence.

A few hours later Cristina stirred in her chair. She jolted awake as she realized that Meredith was awake, and both she and Derek had been asleep.

'Meredith?' Cristina asked softly. 'Honey are you okay? Do you need anything? Are you in pain?'

'I'm okay.' She whispered. 'It hurts, but I'm okay.'

Cristina moved to shake Derek awake.

'No don't wake him.' Meredith said. 'Did you get the papers?'

Cristina nodded and pulled them out of the top drawer next to Meredith's bed. 'You have to tell Derek you know.' She said as she handed them to her.

'I know. But I just want to sign them first. Then we will wake him up and tell him I promise.'

Cristina raised an eyebrow at her.

'I promise.' She said again. 'Now help me sit up so I can sign the bloody thing.'

Even the simple act of signing her name to a piece of paper seemed to exhaust Meredith and when she had finished she lay still, hardly able to open her eyes. Cristina smoothed her hair back from her face and took one of her hands in her own.

'I'm sorry Mer, and I hope you can forgive me.' She paused for a moment. 'I hope I can forgive you too. If you hadn't run away we could have had so much more time, so much more than this.' She laid her head down on Meredith's bed and watched her sleep, and eventually she joined her.

When she woke up it was due to Derek, who was shaking her gently by the shoulder.

'What's this?' he asked, holding up the DNR papers.

'What do you think they are?' Cristina snapped. 'They're DNR papers.'

'Did you bring these to her?' He asked, his voice rising.

'She asked me to bring them to her Derek. She asked me to and I did and last night when you were asleep I helped her sign them.'

Derek face filled with hurt and disbelief.

'Oh come on.' Cristina said wearily. 'Did you really expect that she wouldn't have thought of this? That she would be different from any other end stage cancer patient? She doesn't want to be put on a ventilator Derek. This is not a selfish decision; she doesn't want to prolong her death.'

'I just, I don't.' He sighed and rubbed his hands over his eyes. 'Of course I knew she must have considered it. I expected it. But I don't understand why she didn't ask me for them. I could have helped her with them ages ago, why now? Why did she ask you?'

'Because she couldn't ask you for them, she knows as well as you do that you're hanging on by a thread. She was afraid that this would break you.'

'Derek?'

Meredith was awake.

'Derek? She said again. 'I'm sorry.'

Cristina let go of Meredith's hand. 'I'll be back soon.' She said, leaving the room.

Derek took Cristina's place on the bed and gently cupped Meredith's face in his hands. 'You could have asked me.' He said softly. 'I won't fall apart. And you have nothing to be sorry for.'

'Thank you.' She smiled wearily up at him. 'I love you, you know.'

'I know.' Derek said seriously. 'Mer, can I ask you a question?'

'Mmmm?'

'How did it get so bad?'

'What do you mean?' She asked.

'I mean, you're a doctor. You know the signs to look for. Why didn't you get checked out when you first started to feel sick? Before it was too late? Why did you wait so long?'

Meredith turned her head away from him, and stared out the window.

'Meredith?' Derek asked softly. 'Please tell me'

'I don't want you to think I'm blaming you.' She said eventually.

'Why would I think that?'

Meredith turned her head slowly back to him. 'Because I started to have symptoms around the time my mom died.'

'Oh.' Derek didn't know what else to say, but everything was starting to fall into place and he suddenly found himself not wanting to hear anymore.

'I just thought that I felt sick because of stress. And then I moved to Boston, and the symptoms got worse, and I thought that was because I was starting my life over by myself and it was all a bit much, and well, I missed you. I thought it was all in my head. I didn't realize that it was something serious until my attending forced me to have an examination. And by then it was too late.' Meredith said. 'I had surgery but it had spread too far and they closed me up rather than cut it out.'

It was the most she had said all day, and it took her a long time to say it. But she felt better for it. It felt like the last weight had lifted from her shoulders and she could now die in peace.

Derek didn't trust himself to speak. So it was his fault then. If they hadn't lied to her she never would have left and she never would have thought her symptoms were stress.

'Derek? Are you angry?' Meredith asked softly.

'No I'm not angry.' He said, taking her hand in his. 'I've never been angry with you. I never will be angry with you.'

'What about when I left? You were mad at me then.' She said with a smile.

'I think I was angrier at myself than at you. I knew what I did was wrong, and I knew it was my fault that I'd lost you.' He paused, then his voice cracked and he started to cry. 'I just didn't know how true that was.'

Meredith tightened her fingers around his hand, and she struggled to sit up. 'Derek listen to me. This is not your fault. I could have caught this early and still ended up here, you know that. It is not your fault.'

Derek nodded his head slowly, wiping his eyes with his free hand. 'I wish we had more time.'

'Me too.' She said softly. 'I'm so tired Derek.'

'I know.' He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it gently. 'You should sleep.'

When Meredith woke up it was much later and Derek wasn't holding her hand anymore. It was someone else sitting by her side and she struggled to open her eyes to see who it was.

'Dr Bailey?' She said confused.

'It's Miranda honey.' Bailey said.

'What are you doing here?'

'What do you mean, what am I doing here? I'm not allowed to sit with you, is that what you're saying?' Bailey said, picking up Meredith's hand and giving it a squeeze.

'No, I mean… where's Derek?'

'He's still here honey; he's asleep in the chair.' Bailey said softly. 'Do you want me to wake him?'

Meredith smiled. 'No, let him sleep. He needs to sleep.'

'Okay.'

'Will you stay with me till he wakes up?' She asked.

'Of course I will.' Bailey said.

'Where's Cristina?'

'She's in the chair next to Derek, also asleep.'

Meredith nodded, then after awhile, 'Would I have been a good surgeon?'

'You already were a good surgeon Meredith, but you would have grown into a great surgeon. Greater even than your mother, and she would have been so proud of you, just like I'm so proud of you.'

'Are George and Izzie here?' She asked.

'No. They're both with patients at the moment.' Bailey said.

'I think they should come. I want to see them. I want to…'

'You want to say goodbye?' Bailey finished for her.

Meredith nodded.

'I'll get them.' Bailey moved away from the bed and gently shook Cristina awake.

'What's wrong?' She asked.

'Meredith asked me to get Izzie and George. She's awake right now, but she doesn't have much time left. I think you should wake Derek.' She whispered.

'Okay.' Cristina said as Bailey left the room.

'I'm awake.' Derek said softly. He pulled himself out of his chair and moved to Meredith's bedside. 'How are you doing Mer?'

'It hurts.' She said softly. 'Can you up my morphine?'

'Not much more honey. Do you want to be sedated?' Derek asked, smoothing her hair back.

'No, I want to stay awake. Can you raise my bed so I can see better?'

'Sure.'

Soon the room was filled with people, and although Meredith couldn't speak for long anymore, she managed a few words with each of them. Most people drifted in and out stopping by for as long as they could in between seeing patients. Addison and Mark came by as well as Bailey, Burke, Callie, and even Sydney.

Alex, Izzie, and George were content to sit quietly in the room with her, not saying very much but just giving her their company. After a few hours as it was drawing near to dusk they were joined by the Chief, who kissed Meredith on the top of her head and whispered how proud he was of her and how he could not have hoped for a better daughter than her.

Derek and Cristina never left her side, each of them holding one of her hands.

As it neared ten pm it became very clear that Meredith would not last the night.

'We should go.' Izzie said softly to George and Alex. 'Let's give them some privacy.'

They nodded in agreement and each in turn whispered their final goodbyes before leaving the room.

'Call me if you need anything.' Izzie said softly before she left. They nodded mutely.

'I should go too.' Cristina murmured, but found herself unable to get up. Instead Derek stood and placed Meredith's hand in Cristina's.

'I'll be right outside.' He said gently. Somehow he knew that she needed to say goodbye alone.

Cristina placed her head on the pillow next to Meredith's so their faces were almost touching. 'I just want you to know, that you are the best, smartest, most amazing person I have ever known. And knowing you has made me a better person than I was before. You will always be my person, I could never replace you, and I will never forget you. I love you.' She whispered.

'I love you too.' Meredith said softly.

'Goodbye Meredith Grey.' She said, letting go of Meredith's hands and placing them gently on the bed. She couldn't control her tears and let them stream down her face as she left the room, squeezing Derek's arm as she went.

Derek closed the door behind her and moved to Meredith's side. He removed his shoes and lay down on the bed next to her, pulling her into his arms. They lay together for a time, Derek talking to her quietly about anything that came into his head.

'Derek?' Meredith asked after a time.

'Yes baby?'

'Do you remember the night of the bomb? You came to my house and I asked you about our last kiss?'

'Yes.'

'Tell me that story again; tell me about our last kiss.'

Derek swallowed hard, he could still recall that day with perfect clarity and he remembered every single word of what he'd said to her. 'It was a Thursday morning. You were wearing your ratty looking Dartmouth T-shirt, looking so good as always. You'd just had a shower and you smelled amazing, like lavender. I was running late for surgery, and you said you'd see me later, and you leaned to me, you put your hand on my chest and you kissed me. It was a soft kiss, a quick kiss, like one we would do every day for the rest of our lives. Then you went back to reading the newspaper and I went to work.'

'Derek I- .'

'Shhh, don't try to speak honey.' He said putting his head on her chest. 'I can hear your heart.' He said softly. 'I like hearing your heartbeats.'

'There aren't enough Derek. There aren't enough heartbeats.' She murmured faintly.

'No there aren't.' He agreed, lifting his head to rest next to hers on the pillow as he looked into her eyes. Then they slowly closed. Derek squeezed his own eyes shut and pulled her towards him, and he didn't need the harsh beep of the monitor to know that she was gone.


	11. Epilogue

'_All that I know is I'm breathing.  
All I can do is keep breathing.  
All we can do is keep breathing  
now.'_

The group of doctors stood outside Seattle Grace hospital gazing up at it. It hadn't changed. They had though, and quite considerably since that first year when they were interns, but now their residencies were over and it was time to move on.

'So you have us all standing out here in the cold, do you want to tell us what we're doing here?' Cristina snapped.

'I just wanted us all to be together for the last time, it's so sad that we aren't all going to work together anymore.' Izzie said sadly.

'It's not like we're never going to see each other again.' Alex pointed out. 'You and George aren't exactly moving to a different country, you aren't even moving across the state.'

'It feels like it's another country.' George muttered darkly.

'I still don't understand why we had to meet out here in the cold, just so we can gaze up at the hospital you all used to work at. Cardio Thoracic attendings do not gaze at their own hospitals.' Cristina said.

'Okay pay up O'Malley, I told you she wouldn't last more than an hour before referring to herself as an attending.' Alex said with a grin holding out his hand to George.

'Damn it.' He muttered in reply.

'What are we doing here?' Cristina snapped.

'We are all gathered here outside this hospital to look back and reflect upon the time we have spent here.' Izzie said ceremoniously. 'We four are the original interns, Bailey's interns and so it is important that we are all here together one last time.'

'We aren't all here.' Cristina interrupted suddenly. 'Meredith should be here. She was an original intern. She should be here.'

'I know. She should be here.' Izzie said.

'I miss her. Everyday I miss her.' Cristina said softly.

'I know. We all do.' Izzie said.

'If she was here right now, she'd be an attending too, don't you think.'

'Definitely.' Cristina agreed. 'In neurosurgery.'

'Hey I wonder whatever happened to McDreamy?' Alex asked suddenly.

'I don't know. He left what, six months after Mer died?' George asked.

'Yeah I think so. It wasn't long.' Izzie said. 'He was in a pretty bad way when he left. I hope he's happy wherever he is.'

'He'll never be happy Iz.' Cristina said.

There was silence. Izzie just shrugged.

'Well one thing I'm happy about is that there aren't any more McDoctors running around this hospital to mess with our interns.' Alex said firmly. 'I don't think I could have coped with the drama that you lot created.'

'Us lot?' George said. 'I believe it was just Cristina and Meredith who went around sleeping with their attendings.'

'Yeah and look how well that turned out.' Cristina muttered.

'Okay, back to the reason we're here.' Izzie said quickly. 'We are taking a moment.'

'And now we're done.' Cristina said, and the four of them turned and headed towards the car park.

'Bye Meredith.' She whispered as she glanced back at the hospital behind her.

The End.

**A/N- Well that's it. All done. I have officially finished my first story! I hope you have all enjoyed it, and I strongly encourage all of you who have read it to send me a review of the whole thing... even if you haven't reviewed any of the other chapters please review now.**

**Stay tuned for the sequel. It's called 'And you're never coming home again.' Expect it in late July, and it will be at least twice as long as this one.**


	12. Author Note

Just thought I would let you all know that the sequel 'And you're never coming home again' is now posted. I hope you will all give it a go!


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